Having trouble meeting the little ones? Here are some techniques that might help you improve your game.

1. Dress up your penis like a limited edition Bratz and auction it off on eBay.
2. Find a nice, dark bathroom stall in the back of a Toys R Us and hang out while dressed up like Prostitute Barbie.
3. Kidnap Hannah Montana - kids will do anything to meet that little piece of ass. (And if they don’t, well, hot damn, you’ve got Hannah Montana.)
4. Start a search engine called “Goo Goo Ga Ga” and rig it so keyword searches for “Clifford the Big Red Dog” bring up photos of you pitching a tent in a Winnie the Pooh costume.
5. Hack into a cell phone network and redirect 911 calls to your GPS-enabled ice cream truck.
6. Add two scoops of GHB to Kellogg’s Raisin Bran.
7. Pay off the security guards at a Ringling Bros. and Barnum & Bailey Circus to keep an eye on the door while you hold the world’s largest child orgy in Madison Square Garden history.
8. Cut a hole in the throat of a Kermit the Frog puppet and play “Feed the frog flies” with kids’ hands and your cock.
9. Market your own line of “Hello Kitty” apparel (albeit with a slightly edgier version of the popular character). Don’t forget the RFID chips. Those little tykes are easy to lose in a crowd, even with a big pussy on their chests.
10. Start up a babysitting business in Second Life. (Hey, virtual molestation is better than nothing.)