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Mascots for Mao: 2008 Beijing Olympics

Below is a list of the “lucky 6″ contenders for the new mascot of the 2008 Beijing Olympics…seriously. Don’t doubt me…I have connections, mofo.

  • Timmy the Tank
    He’s so damn cute. When he’s animated and let loose, he paints the flag of China with the blood of protesters on his treads!
  • Gold Farmer Zhao
    While clad in his suit, this mascot will parade around the grounds of the Olympics, cascading tides of cards with the virtual currency of online games. Afterwards, he will return to his home, hating his life and plotting to kill all of you tomorrow.
  • Pagey the Censored Web Page
    Safe in his padded Kevlar suit, Pagey will tour the various Olympic events…but only briefly. Only a few seconds after appearing, he will be promptly chased out of the event’s immediate area, tackled, and beaten into submission.
  • The Three Gorges “Dames”
    This beautiful triplet, each wearing only a barrel of salt created by the tears of evicted Yellow River inhabitants, will amuse the crowd by steadily pushing the audience in the stands up higher, until people are sitting on the laps of those sitting on laps. Whoever creates the highest stack gets a free hot dog.
  • Teddy the Involuntary Organ Donor
    This pale mascot will provide much entertainment to the throngs of crowds as he wanders around in a blood-loss induced stupor, asking all people who pass by (in his silly voice, of course!) as to who took his spleen. Occasionally, he will find it and hold it above him triumphantly…only for three clowns to come rushing and yank it from him as they throw pies in his face. If you can’t see him at the Olympics, no need to worry…he’ll be showing up at the anatomical exhibit of a museum near you soon.
  • “Wan” Country/”Tou” Systems
    This caricature features the lovable Siamese twins, Wan and Tou. With Wan dressed as Chairman Mao and Tou dressed as an American businessman, much hilarity ensues as they drift back and forth from their internecine battles of amputating violence to their passionate finger-fucking.
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3 comments

1 Michael Spitler { 02.29.08 at 12:04 am }

I still won’t forgive those commie bastards for poisoning my cat with tainted food…

R.I.P.
WHITE KITTY
20?? - 2007

2 Stuart K. Hayashi { 03.02.08 at 9:21 am }

Is Aaron’s “Commie Killer” game still online? That was super-funny.

3 Aaron { 03.08.08 at 12:26 pm }

Ask, and ye shall receive.

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