As we all know, I’m a penitent man, worshiping the mere suggestion of a possible deity and the various divine activities which come along with sticking your nose up the ass of the Almighty. Oh, you should see me in the thrall of such activities. How I gesticulate when I genuflect… nothing else gets my onanism on. Alas, not everyone is like me, and our brothers and sisters of spiritual authority have seen fit to retrofit religion with modern culture. Without them, would such genius as Bibleman and Christian rock have been born? But we can’t stop with superheroes and mere horrible contributions to sound. Truly, we need more…maybe something along these lines…

• America’s Greatest Martyr
  Each season would have a pair from each religious heritage , with each pair competing against the others to see who is truly America’s most devout. Tune in to see if a couple can finally beat the undefeated Mufatas, who have consistently conceived, aborted, and thrown a bomb-strapped fetus over the Palestinian wall into Israel at the end of every season.

• The Adventures of Priestman And Altar Boy
  Much like Bibleman, this comic book would spread the joy of Christianity through the pair’s adventures against evil-doers. However, unlike Bibleman, their power could only be yielded as they assemble (like Voltron) into a gestalt of power, locking into place as Priestman’s cock goes into Altar Boy’s mouth.

• Dancing with the Crosses
  It takes talent to dance the samba. It takes even more talent when the both of you are crucified.

• Oy, Are We Kvetching Yet?
  Starring the hairy, identity-confused Matisyahu, he drives his new-found family on a vacation through Israel, only to take a wrong turn into the Gaza Strip. Much hilarity ensues, as he and a rendezvous with Ice Cube’s family result in many wacky scenarios.

• The Return of Xenu: The Video Game
  Riding on the coattails of the great games created by Christians, Scientology has created its own “The Return of Xenu” game. In the game, you are allowed to pick your avatar as Tom Cruise, Will Smith, or Chef from South Park. Your main weapons are cannons filled with cash, as you attempt to push Xenu back into outer space by shooting balls of money at him. If you beat the game in Difficult mode, you can pick an unlocked avatar of L. Ron Hubbard, laughing posthumously at you from the void.

• Jesus Camp: Elite Troopers
  For those of you who loved watching those Midwest children get a good dose of the Word, now there comes Jesus Camp: Elite Troopers. In the sequel, we watch prepubescent kids learn the craft of martial arts, interrogation, and stealth as they learn to kick some ass for the Lord! Don’t miss the action-packed ending as they detonate an abortion clinic with a thousand flushed cherry bombs, with Larry the Cable Guy getting soaked for some added hilarity!

• Inquisitioned
  In this new hit series, Justin Fatica is the new Ashton Kucher when he ambushes people on the street, demanding their love for Jesus Christ as he challenges their faith in the most zany scenarios. Watch out for the season finale with the loudest match of screaming ever, as he meets his arch-nemesis Henry Rollins.

• The iBurqa
  Sure, wearing a tablecloth may seem oppressive and humiliating… but not when it’s the iBurqa! This technological feat will have young girls (and even daring guys) to embrace this new fashionable possibility. Equipped with temperature control and speakers that play at frequencies which will only reverberate through your bones, this chic uniform will guarantee that you experience luxury as you are seen but ignored for being metaphysically inferior.