If Current Trends Continue…
by Aaron Kendall
March 11, 2008 at 9:44 pm
- If people like Mike Bloomberg and John McCain can dry hump and glory hole the wall which divides the political sides of America…
I’m gonna head everyone off at the pass: I’m going to start the Green Donkephantarian Party. I will be for the death penalty, but only if they murdered somebody who doesn’t like Michael Moore. I will be for abortions, but only if the dead fetus was scheduled to be born on the 6/6 at 6:00 (unless it’s Chinese, because that’s the Gladstone Gander of lucky babies). As soon as I figure out how to become Hispanic, I’ll be unstoppable on my way to El Presidente.
- If companies serving as “patent trolls” can file a patent for something as abstract as the idea of putting purchased items into a “virtual cart” while shopping online…
Then we all need to catch this gravy train tout de suite. Obviously, the first step is to patent the practice of even creating patents. Duh. Unfortunately, this event will trigger a recursive reaction, with patenting of the patenting of the patenting…That’s where you pull the coup de grace: you patent thought. Biggety-bam! Beat that, bitch!
- If I hear any more American apologists who regard attacks on Americans with the sentiment “well, guess that’s what we deserve”…
I’m going to dress up in a goddamn turban and beard, find these fuckers, and follow them for hours, kicking them in the ass perpetually. If they have any integrity, they’ll be walking around with my foot literally lodged in their asses, without uttering a single complaint.
- If people continue to insist that we have to help financial institutions and the crackheads who were stupid enough to get involved with subprime mortgages…
Then I say that we further this movement to uphold absolution of financial responsibility. First, let’s start with what’s important: me. First, I get my $500 back from the blackjack table at the Venetian in Vegas, because, clearly, I didn’t know what I was doing. Second, we pardon and free the amino acids which constitute those involved with subprime mortgages, because clearly they didn’t know the mistake they were making and are better used elsewhere.
- If online conversationalists insist on using this bastardized version of “l33t” speak…
omfg, i wil fukin roflcopter yur ass into next week the next nub who writes lmao or lol gets a pwn to the fukin cok g2g thx
- If new architecture in NYC continues along the trend of eco-friendly, mud-smeared walls of the wasp nest known as the Hearst building…
We should just refrain from creating monuments of achievement and instead treat buildings as the piles of shit that “modern” architects regard them. Let’s create Hobbit-like multiplexes out of a colossal composite heap, covered from top to bottom in manure and decomposing remnants from the fish markets in Chinatown. Best thing is that when you’re wandering around drunk at 4 A.M. in the quest of a bathroom and caught taking a dump on the building, you can always tell the police officer that you’re just giving Mother Nature the props that she deserves.
- If rap stars continue to adopt sophomoric, pseudo-profound stage names like will.i.am and Flo Rida…
Soon, rap stars will adopt names that are instances of eclectic onomatopoeia, which would be recorded onto a device and played at the moment where the rapper must say “My name is…” in his own song. (I see a sound like “Kachink” being the first popular one.) Later, Prince will dominate the rap scene by producing rappers whose names can only be expressed as a particular facial expression.
- If children’s entertainment continues to be nothing but unimaginative tripe or an indoctrination of politics (instead of an inspiration to think on one’s own)….
We can expect a new cartoon character called “Lobotomy Larry” (giving an uncanny resemblance to Larry the Cable Guy), who will sport an enormous scar across his forehead and drool as he sings insipid songs about how we are all special, unique snowflakes… that are jigsaw pieces that fit into an even bigger snowflake. We can also expect childhood icons who discuss the importance of meta-diversity, teaching the nation’s youth that pebbles and subatomic particles have the same rights as people.
- If the mandarins ever become successful in the nationalization of health care….
I will get into my Delorean time machine (since my Prius one can only go back twenty years) and pay FDR a visit, thanking him for popularizing the notion of socialism in America…by beating him into unconsciousness with his atrophied, little legs.
- If the movie industry continues to embrace this polarity of movies as mainstream or indie….
Movie theaters will soon have a counter which will be devoid of any posters with movie titles. Instead, the attendant behind the counter will offer you action-packed explosions, racial/geopolitical/sexual issues, less-than-witty dialogue, or your own choice of combining all three of the above (according to your own tastes). As you walk to a private closet to watch your tailored movie, the good thing is that they will finally have Skittle Twizzlers to munch on, which you will (unfortunately) vomit later due to the poor quality of the movie.
Home » the list » If Current Trends Continue…
1 comment
You don’t like the Hearst building? Stay in Jersey. Now, the nauseating Blue Condo, on the other hand…
Leave a Comment