You know, if you’re conducting some form of talk show and attempting to entertain and/or indoctrinate me through an interview via a remote location, why is the background for the remote person always the same goddamn thing? Why does it always look like the person is sitting on a barge in the East River or standing in a hot air balloon above the Transamerica Pyramid? Why can’t he just be inside a goddamn room with a lamp in the back? I mean, if an expert is attempting to convince me that al-Qaeda is responsible for the sub-prime mortgage crisis or that Bush munches on baby legs in his underground lair, try to spice it up with backgrounds like these…

• On top of an American commercial satellite, with Earth somewhere in the top left. Occasionally, a Chinese satellite would drift by and be shot down by a laser cannon.

• Surrounding the interviewee with a tessellation of boxes, with each one having a different camera angle on his head.

• From the cockpit of the Fantastic Voyage capsule, with the inside of the spleen seen through the windows.

• At Hitler’s Reichstag speech, but with some graphics editing that adds pink elephants and balloons (to make it extra trippy).

• From the inside of a vagina during a gynecological exam, with the gynecologist’s face appearing and disappearing at random locations in the background.

• On a crowded Manhattan sidewalk, with pedestrians passing by showing faces of disgust directed at the interviewee (with the occasional act of violence, like a punch to the head or putting out a cigarette on the arm.)

• From a geographically impossible place, like the Eiffel tower and the Taj Mahal next to Mount Rushmore (with the Millenium Falcon perched on top of it).

• From inside the jackoff booth of a peep show, with a guy going to town in the background.

• With an intense level 99 of Pac-Man.

• Show the interviewee sitting on the lap of the interviewee of another show, keeping the same Chrysler building or Transamerica building behind them.