The Make-a-Wish Foundation has to be one of the most amazing charities on the planet. They’ve helped thousands of kids all over the world. They’ve instilled joy and relieved pain. The only problem is, not all dying kids are good kids. So, in the spirit of “bad kids are people, too”, we present the following suggestions.

1. Wish for infinite wishes.
2. Wish for cash.
3. Wish for war.
4. Wish to be young again.
5. Wish someone would stop wishing and fucking do something.
6. Wish to chair an international summit on world hunger with Bono, Gandhi, Hannah Montana, and the Tooth Fairy deep in the heart of the Candy Land Peppermint Forest.
7. Wish to visit Jim Henson’s grave.
8. Wish to spread your disease.
9. Wish your cancer away.
10. Wish for a faster spreading cancer.
11. Wish for drugs.
12. Wish to visit Walt Disney World, dress up as Death, and make healthy kids think they’re going to die, too.
13. Wish to run a pet shop for a day and see what happens when you mix the snakes with the puppies.
14. Wish your oncologist will stop molesting you.
15. Wish to preserve your head in formaldehyde and bequeath it to your little sister.
16. Wish for “whatever he’s wishing for”. (Point to some really sick bastard. They get the big-budget wishes.)
17. Wish the Foundation will leave a briefcase filled with unmarked bills in a designated location and never contact you again.
18. Wish to be serial killer for a day.
19. Wish to be executed by firing squad.
20. Wish to ride a hot-air balloon over the Grand Canyon and piss in it.
21. Wish for a walk-on part for you and your nurse in a film from the Vivid Entertainment Group.
22. Wish for condoms, sunblock, 24-hour child support, and two round-trip tickets to Hedonism III.
23. Wish for sex with the Foundation president’s wife.
24. Wish for a trip to the White House and a blowjob in the oval office. (And don’t let anyone try to tell you they’re two different wishes.)

Maybe it’s because the idea behind the Make-a-Wish Foundation is so perfect and beautiful that my mind naturally thinks about how one might fuck with it. And maybe it’s that no sane person ever would that I consider it a perfect subject for humor.

The Make-a-Wish Foundation gives kids with life-threatening medical conditions something to look forward to, something to live for, and something to look back on. Not to mention, they help alleviate pain in the process. All of these things must have a major psychological impact on the child and, also very possibly, have a real effect on the child’s ability to combat his or her illness. Just spend a few minutes reading the stories of the wishes and see how long you last without making a donation. Here’s one of my personal favorites. Shit, I always bitch about comedies that get sappy at the end.