There’s clearly a deficit of intellectual responses to our current global financial crisis. Let me add to that deficit.

1. Expect prices to come down on blowjobs. Especially if you like them from unemployed, Detroit automotive workers.
2. I get that Congress just nationalized the Make-a-Wish Foundation. What I don’t understand is why we let bankers get in line in front of the cancer kids.
3. Have you noticed that the cheaper the price of gas, the less that assholes who bitch about gas prices seem to notice?
4. Recycling is more important than ever. There’s plenty of room on the back side of your 401(k) statement to write your suicide note.
5. It’s downright disconcerting how AIG executives could waste .00000522% of the free $150 billion which they earned for being failures.
6. Be on the look-out for Wall Street tips. The kind you leave in a bucket after homeless, out-of-work stock brokers serenade you with fuck-awful renditions of “Life is But a Dream”. (The good news is that professional opera singers will get laid off, too. Overall, the quality of subway music should go way up.)
7. Starbucks’ profits won’t necessarily rise after they try to sell a volume of coffee equal to fifteen times the stomach capacity of the residents of a given city. This is true even if they buy three dozen adjacent apartment buildings and convert the plumbing systems into a big, fucking coffee dispenser.
8. Be extra cautious if your bank offers you the opportunity to “go paperless”.
9. Threaten or declare bankruptcy as soon as you can. I don’t care if you’re a savings bank, a blood bank, or just the guy who does laundry for a mechanic who fixes Brink’s armored trucks. There’s only so much bailout money to go around and now’s the time to collect.
10. Quick! Somebody have the federal government erase every last vestige of private property! This is an emergency.
11. Get ready for “surprise and outrage” from Republicans about Paulson’s $700 billion “bait and switch” on an emotional level not seen since the Democrats’ Iraq war vote was so deviously taken advantage of. (“I thought you were going to wave your magic wand and fix this. You mean you’re not? Hey, I didn’t vote for this shit!”)
12. Now’s the time for every major city to follow in NYC Mayor Mike Bloomberg’s footsteps and jack up taxes, create new tolls, and otherwise take money out of its citizens’ pockets. There’s nothing like the interdisciplinary application of leeching to “help the economy”.
13. Let’s say, for the sake of argument, that Barack Obama does nothing but fuck interns for four years. If the economy recovers by 2012, it will have been precisely because of this intern fucking that the economy improved, according to his next presidential campaign.
14. I voted for “none of the above”. Does that mean I get to blow up the White House?
15. Communism won’t require a revolution in this country. Capitalism did. It might again.