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15 Fun Things to Say to a Liberal During Sex

Yes, it’s sex in the age of Obama. Herewith, pillow talk for the politically minded: some for men, some for women, and gosh darn-it, some for the whole fam damily. Utter at your own risk. And hold on tight.

  1. Even though we’re completely unqualified and have absolutely no right to do so, let’s play doctor.
  2. Treat me like the nation’s poor. Say you love me, then fuck me.
  3. If we don’t find a solution to global warming soon, this is going to turn into one hell of a case of blue balls.
  4. I feel like I’m in the Oval Office. Your finger is on the button, but you don’t know how to press it.
  5. Pretend my asshole is an evil, communist dictator and pretend your lips are… well, pretend your lips are Bill Clinton’s lips.
  6. Some might say I’m sending in thousands of innocent soldiers to die in an arid, disgusting wasteland. I prefer to think of it as an unanticipated troop surge.
  7. Be my little Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. The harder I protest, the harder you hold me down. And slap my ass a lot.
  8. Even the world’s worst tax-and-spend Democrat would agree that this thing has ballooned out of control. We really need to shave some of this pork.
  9. I want you to do to me what Obama wants to do to the healthcare system. Put me in handcuffs, surround me with nurses, and see how long I can hold out before spraying bodily fluids all over the goddamn bed.
  10. The voices from the closet? They’re just here to confirm your support of the public option.
  11. I’m relieved to see that you’re a backsliding animal rights activist. In that case, observe the following demonstration of the production of foie gras.
  12. Not only do I have HIV, but according to Reverend Wright, I also created it.
  13. I think porn stars “have as clear and as sacred a right to their large property as others have to theirs which is smaller”. I don’t know about you, but whenever I need inspiration to talk dirty, my go-to man is always John Adams.
  14. I understand you want the restrictions on executive compensation to have some teeth, but does it have to be literally?
  15. Can I parrot a bunch of vaguely optimistic, scripted messages about hope and change, and expect you to giddily close the curtain behind you and pull my lever? Yes, I can.
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