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Obama Plugs Well His Ass With Thumb

I admit I feel a little like a bystander at the site of a burning building. A building with really cool, big-ass flames pouring out the windows. Sparks cascading to the ground. A crash of some internal beam or section of floor, causing even more spark and flame to shoot out a window, or burst out a door. A massive and ferocious red, yellow, and orange towering demon looking down at me while I smile and silently root for the fire to kick the rest of the house’s ass. Not so much because I’m anti-house as that I’m pro-fire.

I might wonder, while watching in nervous excitement as the structure slowly crumbles: did someone leave an iron on? Has anyone, for Christ’s sake, started a petition against iron manufacturers? Have any of these clowns, maybe the guys in the yellow and black coats and hats, sued the landlord yet? And is it just me, or is that a set of oily pelican footprints leading out the back door?

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June 15, 2010 at 6:51 am   2 Comments

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Obama’s Nuclear Fetish: Making the World Safe From Ukrainian Terrorists

It’s occurred to me why Barack Obama loves terrorists. Not that he calls any of them by their first names with any frequency, but he does seem to appreciate the fact that “terrorists” are already floating around in the ether of the public mind. It’s such a vaguely defined concept that not only does it require no specific action, but it allows any action to be bullshitably linked (or if you have an antagonism to the split infinitive: to be linked bullshitably), in such a way that your mindless flailings can actually be described as constructive. “Mindless flailings”, however, doesn’t give Obama the discredit he deserves.

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April 16, 2010 at 9:52 am   No Comments

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Obama’s Nuclear Strategy: A Bad Defense is the Best Defense

I believe we are now witnessing Barack Obama’s Pet Goat moment. In that spirit, let begin by telling a story.

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April 6, 2010 at 8:56 am   2 Comments

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Hoping Against Hope: A Lame-Duck Barack Obama Presidency

Is it time yet to call Obama’s presidency a complete disaster? And by “disaster”, I don’t mean in the sense of accomplishing stuff, which for Obama’s agenda would be a disaster, but rather in the sense of “complete display of incompetence and utter failure on his own terms”? I say, doggonit, there’s reason to hope.

From where I stand, not only is Obama not getting stuff done, he’s bungling everything he touches and looking like a complete fucking buffoon at the same time. He’s like a clown juggling live jellyfish. And nothing could make me happier.

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January 29, 2010 at 8:17 am   3 Comments

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New Year, Same Shitty president

Let’s see. The lone bomber tried to take down Northwest Airlines Flight 253 at approximately 11:10 AM EST. That would make it 6:10 AM HST (Hawaiian Standard Time). Given that Obama’s daughters are aged 11 and 8, I’m going to go out on a limb and assume they were already yapping about opening up their presents. (If Obama were your father, you’d be yapping, too.) Whatever Barbie car Sasha got this year, I can tell you it sure as fuck wasn’t an American car. A remote-controlled Bentley is what I’m thinking, and not some $78.99 model, either.

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December 31, 2009 at 1:33 pm   6 Comments

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15 Fun Things to Say to a Liberal During Sex

Yes, it’s sex in the age of Obama. Herewith, pillow talk for the politically minded: some for men, some for women, and gosh darn-it, some for the whole fam damily. Utter at your own risk. And hold on tight.

  1. [Read more →]

December 3, 2009 at 11:30 pm   No Comments

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Handjobs for Hugo

Outrage. That’s the only word to describe what I’m feeling right now. As of yet, President Obama has only announced plans to temporarily reverse his historic ban on human reproductive cloning for the purpose of implanting fetuses in each of his daughters, hatching two sets of Adolf Hitler octuplets, and allowing all sixteen Hitler youths to sodomize him publicly one at a time and in groups smack dab in the middle of Wrigley Field. Everybody knows Barack Obama is a White Sox fan. And what are the female Hitlers going to do? (For God’s sake, Mr. President, don’t ban aluminum bats just yet. For the sake of the children.)

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April 21, 2009 at 6:43 am   1 Comment

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365 Reasons to Drink: April 14, 2009

April 14, 2009 at 6:11 am   No Comments

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On Mice and Government Cheese

Another company took the bait. Not that anyone had a problem with that. The problem was that top management was able to get some of the cheese out of the trap.

“I, Barack Husein Obama, am outraged by this behavior!” he says, his beautifully chiseled face turned upward in the direction of AIG executives, as if Michelangelo himself had discovered a way to turn a block of marble into a frozen, three-dimensional snapshot of monotony. You’ll have to excuse him if he looks like he’s not breathing. He’s “choked up with anger”.

Don’t you know, silly AIG mouse, that when the federal government serves you stolen cheese on a silver mousetrap, you’re supposed to eat it head-first?

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March 17, 2009 at 6:37 am   1 Comment

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Obama’s Full-Blown Crisis

“…the question I think the American people are asking is, do you just want government to do nothing, or do you want it to do something? If you want it to do something, then we can have a conversation. But doing nothing, that’s not an option from my perspective.”
– President Obama, Feb. 9, 2009

Mr. President, it all depends on what the meaning of “something” is. Since when did “something” only refer to American dollars and only come in denominations of one trillion?

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February 11, 2009 at 8:34 am   5 Comments

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Do You Support Your President?

“Do you support your president?” That’s a question that’s been surfacing lately, and though I have a sneaking suspicion it’s being asked rhetorically, let me take a moment to answer it thoughtfully. Do I support your president?

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February 10, 2009 at 12:02 am   No Comments

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Octuplets Are a Great Emotional Stimulus

At least Nadya Suleman produced babies, and not a jar of piss or a brown smudge. But that’s just a technicality. It just means the checks she receives won’t come from the National Endowment of the Arts. The Nadya Suleman personal stimulus package will be postmarked with some other Washington, D.C. address.

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February 9, 2009 at 8:44 am   No Comments

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Hornbuckle’s Conversations with Himself: Barack Hussein Obama

We’re proud to present the first installment of a new audio series. Mr. Jason Hornbuckle has been generous enough to present the inner dialogues of his own mind, completely raw and uncensored. Please enjoy. [Read more →]

January 26, 2009 at 9:46 am   No Comments

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The 25 Ideas in the Barack Obama Inauguration Address, Evaluated

The number of words in Barack Obama’s presidential inauguration address was 2,412. Here it is in 666.

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January 21, 2009 at 4:07 am   3 Comments

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Obama’s Inauguration: “An” Historic Event?

Let’s move beyond the obvious historical aspect of the inauguration of Barack Obama to the office of President of the United States. (That his inauguration will rob thousands of decent men from becoming the first black president.) Let’s get to the important stuff. Like whether the event is “an” historic event or “a” historic event. (I’m going to assume you understand why it’s not a/an “historical” event.) [Read more →]

January 20, 2009 at 8:59 am   No Comments

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Obama, Blagojevich, and the Senate Democrats: Who’s Pulling Whose Strings?

Immediately after Illinois governor Rod Blagojevich announced his appointee to Obama’s ex-Senate seat, bam! Obama comes out in favor of principle: whoever Blagojevich might or might not have appointed, Obama is adamantly in favor of the Senate Democrat decision to reject “any” appointment by Blagojevic. I live right next to New Jersey, and even I can smell the corruption. (And I say that as proud ex-New Jersean.)

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December 30, 2008 at 7:46 pm   No Comments

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What Color is Your Movie President?

What race are movie presidents going to be now? I dare say this conundrum was the most overlooked issue of the 2008 Presidential campaign. [Read more →]

December 22, 2008 at 8:33 am   4 Comments

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AssassinateObama.com

On this, the anniversary of the assassination of John F. Kennedy, I feel it is my responsibility to update everyone on the prospect of the assassination of Barack Obama. I’m referring, of course, to character assassination by way of Internet. Although, let’s face it, character assassination is to Barack Obama like physical assassination is to a JFK mannequin. There’s not much there to be assassinated, and about as much brains at risk of splattering. [Read more →]

November 22, 2008 at 12:42 pm   5 Comments

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365 Reasons to Drink: November 10, 2008

November 10, 2008 at 8:12 am   No Comments

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A Reason to Vote Against Obama

I may have just found a reason to vote against somebody.

“The Oakland police last faced big riots in 2003 when the Raiders lost to the Tampa Bay Buccaneers in the Super Bowl. Officials are bracing themselves in case residents of Oakland take Obama’s loss badly.

- Alexander Bolton, Police prepare for unrest

Riots. How funny would that be? [Read more →]

October 23, 2008 at 7:33 am   1 Comment

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Obama and McCain for Co-Presidents

We’re not living in a free country. We’re not living in a free country because I’m only allowed to vote once in the 2008 Presidential Election. [Read more →]

August 4, 2008 at 12:15 am   1 Comment

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25 Reasons Democrats Will Give if Obama Loses the Presidency

  1. He’s black.    [Read more →]

February 13, 2008 at 10:42 am   1 Comment

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