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Remodeled Expressions for the 21st Century

by Aaron Kendall

• Old Expression: Same shit, different day.
  New Expression: I'm still the same pessimistic piece of shit, different day.
  Explanation: The healthy result of putting a stop to their denial.

• Old Expression: What comes around, goes around.
  New Expression: What kills your baby daughter walks free the next day with the legal assistance of Johnny Cochran.
  Explanation: That whole karma thing didn't really work out too well for Nicole Simpson or that guy she was with.

• Old Expression: There is no "i" in "team".
  New Expression: There is no "i" in "team", but there is a "u" in "murder".
  Explanation: This should shut that damn collectivist's mouth.

• Old Expression: That's when the shit hit the fan.
  New Expression: That's when my colon exploded.
  Explanation: It's my belief that intestinal gas problems will increase dramatically by the year 2010.

• Old Expression: May the devil know you're dead an hour after you sneak into Heaven!
  New Expression: May the IRS know that you've left the country a year after you sneak into South America!
  Explanation: Hey, Willie Nelson can dream, too, can't he?

• Old Expression: Let's let bygones be bygones.
  New Expression: Let's just pretend for now that I don't hate your guts and that I don't want to see them splattered over the wall.
  Explanation: Perfect for the occasion where you want to give your personal hatred a bit of privacy. Or when you don't have a backbone. Or both.