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Go back to: home stupidity tips for living

Page 1

Rational Marriage Vows for Men

by Jason Roth

  • I swear that I will never use you as a crutch to evade the effort of getting a fucking life or maintaining a sense of my own self-esteem.

  • I promise to share in the household chores, as long as you promise to vacuum topless once in a while and let me interrupt the cleaning of the bathroom floor to bend you over the goddamn couch.

  • I swear never to tell you that you look fat in that dress, unless you ask me if you look fat in that dress, and you do, in fact, look fat in that dress.

  • I promise, if we ever decide to have children, that I will keep them at least fifty feet away from any church, and never dress myself up like a big, fat bastard in a red suit and attempt to demolish their entire conception of time and space.

  • I promise to love and to cherish you, so long as you remain physically able to fit through a normal sized doorway.

  • I promise to fuck you no fewer than three times per week for the rest of your life, and never to give you any "Sorry, honey, I'm tired" bullshit when what I really mean is "Why don't you just give me a blowjob tonight?"

  • I promise never to lie to you purely to make you feel good about yourself for the next fifteen minutes, only to increase your neurotic dependence on my faking of reality just so you can avoid doing a single fucking jumping jack.

  • I swear that if your mother ever, and I mean ever, complains about the way I treat you, how much money I make, or why I don't go to church, I will say something that makes her turn red, collapse, or run for her fucking life.

  • I swear that I will never let you talk me into naming our kids anything that will get them torn a new asshole during recess.

  • I promise to have a life outside of you, work late, hang out with other women, watch football on Sundays, drink too much, and yes, occasionally express my true feelings about how fucking boring it is to shop for duvet covers three weekends in a row when frankly, I don't give a shit what color the flowers are on that French blanket piece of shit when all I really want to do is throw you down on top of it and fuck your fucking brains out.

  • I promise not to pretend that I like all your friends, especially that annoying fat bitch who doesn't know how to shut her fucking mouth.

  • I promise not to feel obligated to accompany you to every cookie-cutter wedding ceremony of every acquaintance you've ever had, and if I do, not to dance the Macarena just because some drunk bimbo in the bridal party can't have fun unless each and every grown man at the wedding is flushing his own dignity and masculinity completely down the toilet.

  • I swear that if I ever have the chance to fuck two women at once, that I will ask your permission first and give you the opportunity to participate.

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