STH Newsletter

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Ways to Increase Productivity Around the Office

by Aaron Kendall

1. Provide each employee with his or her own office or cubicle, complete with a hamster water bottle filled with cocaine.

2. Raise morale by gathering everyone together once a week to beat the living shit out of the asshole in the right rear cubicle.

3. Assign a rank to each employee and refer to any competitor of the company as one of the "oppressors". (If you work at a German bank, this is nothing new.)

4. Build a statue of the company CEO in the center of the lunchroom, and refer to it as "The Oracle".

5. Attract the best executives in the business by promising that all secretaries hired have the phrases "supreme blowjobs" and "great lay" on their resumes.

6. Insert a cardboard cutout of the boss into the dark corner of every room, giving the employees the impression that the boss is constantly watching their every move from the shadows.

7. Lower the temperature of the office so that the employees will work harder just to stay warm.

8. Promise your younger employees that if they're really good, the Office Fairy will come by late at night and replace that old water cooler with a keg stand.

9. If one of your employees is getting out of line, ship him off to a company branch on the Russian Front.