STH Newsletter

Occasional updates, plus bonus idiotic ramblings. (We've never sent more than one e-mail per month.)

The Corporate HR Department
All-Purpose Coping-With-Terrorism Manual

10 Ways to Improve Your Customer Service Skills After a Terrorist Act of War

by Jason Roth

1. Blame late orders on "the anthrax".

2. Ask customers to fax you proof of race if you don't trust their accent.

3. Realize that customers are under stress, too. Keep jokes about potential mass annihilation to a minimum. E.g., "How many Islamic fundamentalists does it take to change a light bulb?" (Answer: A network of 10,000 to plan the attack, and one to... well, you get the point.)

4. Treat angry customers with respect, and remind them that you know where they work.

5. If you find yourself becoming paralyzed by fear at the thought of being nuked or burned alive by a deadly chemical explosion, take a five-minute (max) walk. Remember to drink plenty of liquids.

6. Do not interrupt the customer during a tirade about why the United States deserves to be destroyed. Respond with "I see", or "Hmm, that's interesting."

7. Put customers on hold while you "evacuate the building" for coffee during imaginary bomb scares.

8. If you feel yourself becoming angry, playfully "threaten" the customer with holy jihad.

9. Be sensitive to cultural differences. The company needs the business of everyone, including those who support terrorism and the destruction of all business.

10. Report any suspicious phone calls to your supervisor. (Note to supervisors: please do not forward suspicious phone calls to management. We're too busy choosing a caterer for the Christmas party to worry about potential terrorist attacks.)