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Page 1

40 Ways to Get Yourself Out of a Slump

by Jason Roth

  1. Wait for yourself to snap out of it.

  2. Have some coffee.

  3. Pray for inspiration.

  4. Organize your pile of empty liquor bottles by the category of emotional distress that led to each one's consumption.

  5. Go out drinking night after night and celebrate the fact that you accomplished something once.

  6. Daydream about winning the lottery.

  7. Seek to elevate your level of emotional awareness. Be ready to take action the moment you feel up to it.

  8. List all the reasons why successful, happy people are really miserable, conniving bastards in disguise.

  9. Write up a detailed career, exercise, and nutrition plan from the comfort of your own couch and within arm's reach of the Budweiser and Doritos. Don't do anything until it's perfect.

  10. Write, sing, paint, or make a movie about your misery, boredom, or anxiety. (Don't worry if you can't sell it. "Starving artist" status is more respected and easier to maintain.)

  11. Mope.

  12. Weep.

  13. Eat something sweet.

  14. Turn the lights off.

  15. Take a nap.

  16. Lie in bed and wait to feel energized.

  17. Complain about your job before work, not just during and after work. It's the only way to ensure a sense of complete emotional helplessness and career paralysis.

  18. Bring a gun to work. Keep it in a drawer next to a bottle of whisky and an escape plan.

  19. Join a cult.

  20. Start a cult. Make sure that sex with the cult founder is one of the initiation requirements. (Just because you're planning a mass suicide doesn't mean you can't have some fun in the meantime.)

  21. Consult with a psychologist and formulate a real plan for talking about your problems instead of taking them into your own hands. Remember, you're not a professional.

  22. Maybe you're getting bored with your daily routine. Try something new, like smoking.

  23. Start a self-help library.

  24. Take Anthony Robbins' advice about the power of decision. Make the decision to get out of your slump first thing tomorrow.

  25. Give up. As the Buddha said, only when you give up all interest in the material world will you be fully prepared to make your first million.

  26. Isolate yourself. Others can only bring you down.

  27. Bad psychology is the ultimate motivational inhibitor. Therefore, procrastinate as in the past, but pay careful attention to the harmful, automatic thoughts of your subconscious. Anytime you identify one, cut yourself. Only with rigorous self-discipline and razorblades can you retrain your inner child to stop being bad.

  28. Volunteer to help others worse off than yourself. It may or may not get you out of a slump, but at least you'll feel better by comparison. Just look at those poor bastards.

  29. Listen only to music that fully articulates your suffering. Once you start to appreciate the irony, you'll know you're all better.

  30. Stay on the same course of action until you hit "the wall". People who hit it always seem to turn their lives around for the better.

  31. Keep a strict routine, the one you've kept up until now. You're in a fragile state and don't want to risk complete psychological collapse.

  32. Pretend you're happy and successful. This might sound hokey, but sooner or later, you'll start believing your own bullshit and actually make something of yourself.

  33. Set more realistic goals for yourself. High standards are the primary cause of stress.

  34. Identify the precise nature of the slump you are having. Analyze, categorize, and classify your slump and any slump-related feelings. Plot a graph of your mood swings and their correspondence to all major and minor events in your life. Once you gather enough data, consult with a psychiatrist, astrologer, or statistician and figure out what the fuck you should do with yourself.

  35. Remove all obstacles to success. By force, if necessary. Who doesn't get charged up by a good explosion?

  36. Eat more vitamin C or other pills.

  37. Surround yourself with people you can look down at. Self-actualization comes through the identification and rejection of all human weakness.

  38. Make a list of goals and order them in terms of their importance to you. Make another list of actions necessary to achieve each goal, remembering to be specific, starting with the first, smallest step you need to take. Set fire to the list. Let the smell of smoke ceremoniously wash away all hope of ever achieving happiness in this world or the next.

  39. Write a list like this.

  40. Get busy living or get busy dying, you dumb bastard.

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