Handjobs for Hugo
Outrage. That’s the only word to describe what I’m feeling right now. As of yet, President Obama has only announced plans to temporarily reverse his historic ban on human reproductive cloning for the purpose of implanting fetuses in each of his daughters, hatching two sets of Adolf Hitler octuplets, and allowing all sixteen Hitler youths to sodomize him publicly one at a time and in groups smack dab in the middle of Wrigley Field. Everybody knows Barack Obama is a White Sox fan. And what are the female Hitlers going to do? (For God’s sake, Mr. President, don’t ban aluminum bats just yet. For the sake of the children.)
April 21, 2009 at 6:43 am 1 Comment
Dim the Lights and Crank Up The Jukebox: It’s Earth Hour!
Unfortunately, it’s not an hour of silence. But from 8:30 until 9:30 on March 28, you can hope that environmentalists will keep their fucking mouths shut and consider the possibility of refraining from ever again using any energy for any purpose.
March 28, 2009 at 7:20 pm 1 Comment
Saving the Newspapers, Mussolini-Style
As the economy shows signs of improvement (this week; who knows about next), one senator has already taken my suggestion to “save the newspapers”. Actually, Senator Cardin, I meant that as an ominous threat, I wasn’t actually trying to give you ideas.
When the federal government offers to help, be very afraid.
March 25, 2009 at 6:30 pm No Comments
On Mice and Government Cheese
Another company took the bait. Not that anyone had a problem with that. The problem was that top management was able to get some of the cheese out of the trap.
“I, Barack Husein Obama, am outraged by this behavior!” he says, his beautifully chiseled face turned upward in the direction of AIG executives, as if Michelangelo himself had discovered a way to turn a block of marble into a frozen, three-dimensional snapshot of monotony. You’ll have to excuse him if he looks like he’s not breathing. He’s “choked up with anger”.
Don’t you know, silly AIG mouse, that when the federal government serves you stolen cheese on a silver mousetrap, you’re supposed to eat it head-first?
March 17, 2009 at 6:37 am 1 Comment
Sexting Your Ass into Prison on Child Porn Charges
This is just classic. Teenage girls who take naked photos of themselves now face child porn charges. In this Greensburg, PA case, charges against three 14- and 15-year-old girls include “manufacturing” and “disseminating” child porn, and two 16- and 17-year-old boys (lucky enough to receive the photos) have been charged with possession. By now, I’m sure the boys have learned their lesson: delete after wanking.
February 23, 2009 at 10:57 pm 6 Comments
