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Spitzer Sues Prostitute Over Sex Addiction

In a surprising turn of events, NY Governor Eliot Spitzer has filed a lawsuit against “Kristen”, a prostitute for the Emperor’s Club prostitution ring. Spitzer’s complaint alleges that “Kristen’s” refusal to allow him to sleep with her bareback, while allegedly knowing of his sexual addiction, constituted unfair exploitation of an ADA-protected disability.

“Spritzer”, as the governor is known to his wife, his hooker, and his Renaissance Mayflower Hotel cleaning lady, had his cover blown by the hooker and is now confronting the prostitute head-on as he finds himself deeper and deeper in a now very public, and very sticky, situation. A spokesman for the Emperor’s Club said “Spritzer” knew full well of the risks of not using a condom, and that “Kristen” actually did “Spritzer” the favor of protecting him from her alleged crotch rot.

The Emperor’s Club spokesman added, “Trojan brand Ultra Thin Lubricated Condoms are almost like using nothing at all, and they didn’t pay me to say that.”

The Emperor’s Club, named after the Kevin Kline movie about a private school teacher who inspires his students to “grab life by the tits”, was once known as “Dead Poet’s Society” until a marketing director determined that a cartoon woman blowing Nero was a better logo than Robin Williams as Mork from Ork laying an egg.

“Fictitious, comedic, male, alien pregnancy doesn’t sell tail like the promise of being treated like a Roman emperor,” the marketing director was quoted as saying, anonymously, in a recent issue of Brandweek magazine.

“Spritzer’s” attorney has advised “Spritzer” to try the old Brady Bunch courtroom trick and wrap his testicles in medical gauze for the trial. Mike Brady, however, an attorney for the Emperor’s Club, claims he saw that episode, too, and in a pretrial hearing, threw down a naked hooker against the courtroom floor, shockingly exposing “Spritzer’s” fully functioning penis to all twelve women of the jury.

“Spritzer’s” penis could not be reached for comment.

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5 comments

1 Michael Spitler { 03.12.08 at 12:03 am }

I laughed so hard when I saw his face on the cover of the local newspaper. His lips were drawn into his mouth which made him look absolutely ridiculous. Heck, I don’t know what’s more humiliating, being caught consorting with hookers, or being shown to the nation with such a stupid look on one’s face.

2 Marty { 03.12.08 at 3:16 pm }

Who better to represent Spitzer in his noble cause than plaintiffs’ attorney, John “Silkie” Edwards?

3 Tim Hollis { 03.12.08 at 5:12 pm }

I was surprised to hear that a politician was having sex with the opposite sex. Oh, yeah. He’s a Democrat.

4 Jason Roth { 03.13.08 at 8:29 am }

Tim, interesting you mention that. I was wondering how religious Spitzer was, and whether a devout Jew could be as sexually repressed as a Christian. Though maybe a decade of screwing a prostitute wouldn’t be the textbook definition of “repressed”.

By the way, I just checked out your website. Just a tad obsessed with those Republicans?

5 Doug Hazen { 03.17.08 at 10:36 pm }

Satire will always have strange bedfellows, even if the fellows are in your bed and you don’t want them there. It’s just very easy to be misread in such a format no matter how clear one tries to be.

Take for example your recent and glorious arrival into the academic community. Who knew?