Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad says the key to solving the nuclear standoff between Iran and the West is for the UN to formally acknowledge Iran’s sovereign right to build bombs and kill people. Ahmadinejad made the statement just one day after formally acknowledging the latest round of UN sanctions by urinating on them and mailing them back to the UN, still wet, with a photo of his own ass covered in 191 red lipstick marks.

UN Secretary-General Ban Ki Moon said that, while Ahmadinejad’s request may not have been expressed in diplomatic terms familiar to Western nations, he is confident that a compromise can be reached between building bombs and killing people and not building bombs and not killing people.

Former President Jimmy Carter called for drastic measures and urged the UN to take the “ultimate response” against the Islamic Republic. The Carter plan mandates immediate, increased foreign aid contributions by those countries most at risk of being annihilated by a nuclear-armed Iran.

“The money, $100 million in unmarked bills, is to be placed in a briefcase and left under the statue of Shahab al-Din Yahya Sohrevardi at midnight on Sunday,” Carter said, elaborating on the plan.

If the transfer of funds is not secured, Carted said, the Islamic Republic reserves the right to blame the suitcase’s disappearance on UFOs and ask for another suitcase. The Carter plan, also known as the “unlimited rain of suitcases” plan, is being heralded as the next breakthrough in Western diplomatic thought.