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25 Reasons Why McDonald's is Better Than the Catholic Church

by Jason Roth

1. The Hamburglar doesn't molest you.

2. McDonald's doesn't ruin a perfectly good Sunday morning.

3. Even McRibs is more appetizing than the body of Christ.

4. If you accidentally order something you don't want, it isn't a mortal sin to abort it.

5. The belief in the existence of Chicken McNuggets doesn't require a complete renunciation of natural law.

6. You're occasionally allowed to visit Burger King and Wendy's without being excommunicated.

7. Using the name of Ronald McDonald when you're angry isn't punishable by eternal damnation.

8. You can work at McDonald's without having to give up sex.

9. Being a McDonald's fanatic doesn't hurt your chances of being elected to political office.

10. If you skip going to McDonald's, you don't feel guilty about it.

11. Ray Kroc never gave up his only son to be crucified.

12. You can reap the benefits of going to McDonald's before decomposition sets in.

13. The Last Supper came with crucifixion. A Happy Meal comes with a free toy.

14. No one ever beat their kids in the name of Ronald McDonald.

15. The Mac Tonight commercials were a lot less embarrassing than the Crusades, witch hunts, torture chambers, and the refusal to accept that the Earth isn't the center of the universe.

16. You don't become a McDonald's employee of the month for drinking bath water, using rocks as pillows, or whipping yourself.

17. No one was ever cast out of McDonald's for eternity for eating an apple pie.

18. Your family won't disown you if you don't take your kid to McDonald's.

19. A drive-through intercom ain't perfect, but it's more effective than prayer.

20. If you see pictures of people coming back from the dead, virgins giving birth, or men walking on water, it's probably just some new movie promotion.

21. Lite-rock is sometimes less painful to listen to than organ music.

22. McDonald's isn't subsidized by weekly tournaments for gambling addicts.

23. McDonald's will never ask you to fast.

24. No one ever thought nailing a human corpse to the golden arches would sell more burgers.

25. In a burger-flipping contest, Notre Dame wouldn't stand a chance against McDonald's University.