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45 Fun Things to Do at a Funeral

by Jason Roth

1. Ask whose funeral it is.

2. Look at your watch a lot.

3. Videotape the burial.

4. Wear something pink.

5. Offer tissues to mourners, for a reasonable price.

6. Gasp and say you think you left your oven on.

7. Honk your horn during the funeral procession.

8. Set off your car alarm during the funeral procession.

9. Try to get people lost during the funeral procession.

10. Shout "Bullshit!" during the eulogy.

11. Take bets on the next person to go.

12. Tell embarrassing stories about the deceased.

13. Tie a fishing line to a five dollar bill and see who's really mourning and who just wants to be five bucks richer.

14. Pretend to issue a subpoena to the spouse of the deceased. Laugh and say you always wanted to do that.

15. Try to convince someone who's weeping to go out with you.

16. Whistle a happy tune.

17. Eat popcorn.

18. Applaud after the burial.

19. From behind a tree at the cemetery, yell something Godly into a megaphone.

20. Hum "Taps" into a kazoo.

21. Smile and say, "This reminds me of the time he pretended he was dead. What a joker."

22. See how much Easy Cheese graffiti you can spray onto the coffin before somebody postpones the funeral for a wipe-down. Offer to supply the Windex.

23. Ask if anyone has seen the old "saw the casket in half" trick.

24. Carve your initials into the casket.

25. Put on a hand buzzer and slap one of the pallbearers on the ass.

26. Tug on the coffin while the pallbearers are carrying it. Try to hang from it.

27. Use a lot of inappropriate idioms. (E.g., "Man, am I dead tired. All that drinking last night really killed me. That tequila was deadly. Getting up this early for a funeral is murder. Hey, isn't that guy a dead ringer for Joe Pesci?")

28. Ask if anyone knows a five-letter word for "decomposition".

29. Tell somebody your iguana died. See if you get any sympathy.

30. Put on a stethoscope, place the chest piece on the casket, shake your head and say, "I'm sorry, he didn't make it."

31. Flip open the casket and run.

32. Straddle the casket and wave a cowboy hat. Pretend you're Major Kong from Dr. Strangelove.

33. Sneak up to the podium and give a eulogy. If you can't think of anything creative, just refer to the deceased with the wrong name.

34. Make phone calls.

35. Receive phone calls.

36. Check e-mail.

37. Hold a protest near the grave site. Claim that the cemetery uses non-union gravediggers, or yell something about sacred Indian burial ground or groundhogs being threatened with extinction.

38. Hand out flyers during the burial promoting an after-party or special prices on dry cleaning. Even better, two-for-one tombstones for one week only.

39. Start a sing-along.

40. Fake a heart attack.

41. Before the body is lowered, announce that the guy in the back told you he wanted to say something.

42. Ask everyone to join you in prayer. Say something profane in Latin. See if anyone notices.

43. Spit on the grave.

44. Tell the deceased's mother that you're bored.

    And finally...

45. Introduce yourself as "the guy who killed him".