Have you ever felt an odd tingling in your colon, stomach, or lungs, upon waking up in a pile of your own frozen vomit? Do you feel a burning sensation in your muscles or brain at the thought of moving? My friend, if this sounds familiar, then it's time to start thinking about getting off your lazy alcohol-soaked ass and getting a goddamned job - OR - investing in your very own Coma-matic Life Reliever.
Think: why would you want a shameful life of dunking french-fried potatoes in melted fat for 12 hours a day, when you can spend your waking hours dipping your hands in trash bins for half-eaten, maggot-infested, saliva-stained french-fried potatoes?
As tempting an alternative the latter may sound, what if we also told you that we could minimize your total time awake to as low as 1.35 hours per day? (1)
That's right, with the Coma-matic Life Reliever, your life can be as easy as 1......2......Zzzzzzz.
Just connect the super-easy plasto-fasteners around the back of your head, securing the comfortable Happy Mask over the nose and mouth. With the new and improved auto-happy feature, no effort is required on your part to enable Coma-matic life relief. Just take a breath (2) and all of your life-induced stress is gone. Welcome to the wonderful world of unconsciousness.
And you thought ignorance alone was bliss!
So, if and when you wake up again with that stale odor of consciousness on your breath, crawl over to your nearest Happy Town or other participating supplier and pick up your own Coma-matic. You'll be glad you did, though you probably won't remember what it is or why you have it.
Footnotes:
(1) Does not include time awake caused by external forces such as a policeman's foot, a dog urinating on face, or discomfort caused by rolling off the roof of a 15-story building.
(2) A deep breath is required on model LZ232.
