Mr. Johnson's nails are still dirty. His hair still remains greasy, uncombed, and flea ridden, and the inside of the cardboard box he calls home is nearly covered with full-grown mushrooms. If this is all true, then how would you explain the curious fact that Mr. Johnson is.... can it be? Why, he's smiling!
Ladies and gentlemen, this is no paradox. Mr. Johnson's new Intellishield W2 Robotic Begging Assistant, with its patented remote control, lets him guide his personal begging assistant from the comfort of his own box. That's right, Mr. Johnson can petition automobile drivers for his services with only the flick of a wrist. Once activated, the W2 is guided with ease, with the help of a photon-based "teleportation style" wrist remote.
Easily climbing over and around discarded papers, malt liquor bottles, and other debris, the W2 approaches a driver's vehicle with confidence. A simulated human whine booms towards unsuspecting drivers:
"Warning. Prepare to be cleaned."
Then, using a piercing beam combining all the most irrelevant features of both the laser beam and the squeegee bottle, the W2 blasts over 1000 nearly identical dirt particles onto the vehicle's windshield, then moistens each one just enough to sink it deeply into until-now invisible crevices embedded within the windshield's molecular composition. What remains is a nearly-ideal muddy film spread evenly across the entire surface of the windshield.
Leaving no time for drivers to appreciate the impressive work, the W2 inserts the patented Micro-Claw through a small opening in the underside of the vehicle, which winds through the ashtray and out through the dashboard cupholder. A built-in synthetic-sympathetic vocal box (tunable to nearly 1800 tones, most of which audible to the human ear) blasts variations of the old stand-by "Got any spare change?" The micro-claw disables the driver's steering wheel, while the W2's autoconfiguring mechanical boot harnesses the vehicle's wheels from below. If the driver has not voluntarily contributed change to the W2 by this point, believe me, he will.
After the claw is retracted, the W2 can, if desired, return to its owner like a puppy with a new bone. Special-edition government-maintained W2s will also feature crack, heroin, and whiskey dispensing vaults (1), which will accept coins as well as e-foodstamps.
Footnotes:
(1) At kick-the-addiction levels only.
