A class action lawsuit has been filed on behalf of an estimated 1.2 million unborn babies against their parents. In an effort to preempt any irreversible harm to the babies, the text of the lawsuit requests an immediate restraining order against the babies' parents.
Martin Levin, an attorney representing the fetuses, said, "There's only so much classical music an unborn baby can take. We're here to stop it."
Defendants in the lawsuit claim that the music they play for their unborn babies is meant to increase IQ. Critics argue that parents have plenty of time to annoy their children after birth.
Dr. Felix Rorbach, infant neurologist and expert witness in the case, said that IQ correlates more closely with parents' genes than with exposure to music by unknown orchestras before birth.
"What little that is gained by subjecting these fetuses to Bucharest Boys Choir versions of Wagner is more than offset by what we call 'stupid genes'," Dr. Rorbach said.
Rorbach also said that parents who rely on bad classical music to compensate for their own stupidity risk making their children even more stupid.
Attorney Martin Levin said the group he represents is not "pro-life" in the usual sense of the term. Levin said that if the defendants agree to abort all 1.2 million fetuses, he will drop the lawsuit.
"The damage is technically not done until and unless the babies are born," Levin said. "Therefore, our message to the defendants is this: pay up or abort, abort your goal of subjecting your future children to a lifetime of painful memories."
Levin claims that babies subjected to bad classical music in the womb suffer from the "clock radio effect". Levin said that the phenomenon is similar to the effect of a bad song on an adult brain upon being awakened by an alarm clock radio.
"The difference," Levin said, "is that rather than having the bad song in your head for a day, you'll have it in your head for a lifetime."
No fetuses could be reached for comment.
