The most watched satellite TV show on Mars last week was the show that asks viewers, "Has this man touched your child?" It was the sixth week in a row that the Fox show has edged out Surviving on Mars, a Discovery Channel produced documentary which has covered such comparatively mundane topics as repairing one's ventilation unit and coping with the meteor storm that recently diverted the planet's annual food capsule.
Although no children yet inhabit the residential structures on the Red Planet, the Martian Americans are optimistic that their weekly viewing of reenactments of sexual acts with minors will lead to more arrests of sexual predators here on Earth.
"We're concerned about America's children," says Child Molesters fan Chrissy Columbo. "If the only way to help kids is to watch child actors simulating sex with old men week after week from 50 million miles away, then that's a responsibility we're willing to accept."
A Fox spokesman said that no child molesters have been captured to date as a result of phone calls from Mars viewers. However, Fox did say they received a call from a man who claimed to be a Martian child molester. According to reports, the man asked network executives to pass on a message to terrestrial police: "Catch me if you can, Earth-bound motherfuckers," the interplanetary message ran.
Earth police are awaiting the launch of next month's people transport vehicle, in the hopes that they can conduct an interview with the self-described child molester. Police said they are hopeful that the individual, who has also been linked to a series of rapes and burglaries on the Red Planet, will still be alive by the time their ship touches down on the planet's surface sometime next year.
