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circling at his feet. On the shelf next to the cut-out were six-packs of bottles containing a bubbly red

liquid. The Blood of Christ Wine Coolerscame in strawberry, fruit punch, and passion fruit.

               Father Feinstein would think later. He kept walking for now, just trying to take it all in. In the

next aisle, he saw several flavors of breakfast cereals. There was cinnamon flavored Apples 'O

Knowledge, the delicious Eternal Pits of Hell Hot Oatmeal, and the soon-to-be best-seller, Chrispy

Christs, with pre-sweetened Eucharists and marshmallows.

               In the toiletries aisle, there was Second Comingwrinkle cream and Our Lady of Enema, the

"faster way to a cleaner soul". On the second floor was the Hardware and Home Goods department.

There was Joseph's Grouting Supplies, Christ Our Lordpin cushions, and The Pope Johnceramic

toilet series. "Because we all deserve a holy shit", the slogan read.

               The second floor also claimed a large Outdoors section. Hunting and fishing supplies included

the Jesus on Board fishing net and The Crucifier 10shotgun. "It'll nail 'em every time", the company

claimed.

               The third floor was mainly the Clothing Department. Habits, monk's garb, and miniskirts were

the hottest sellers. The jewelry cases also seemed to be quite popular. The piece that caught Father

Feinstein's eye was the diamond studded rosary beads. Nearby, several female mannequins wore

some of the more provocative lingerie. A white sign above them displayed the manufacturer's name

and, as if hand written in red lipstick, were the words "He wouldn't dare not answer your prayer."A

private room next to the third floor escalator housed more adult goods, such as the Virgin Mary Blow-

up Doll, and the Little Jesuslatex crucifix adult toy. "A Little Jesus can feel sooo good," urged one of

the testimonials, "Try it, for the love of God."

               Father Feinstein's head throbbed as he rode the escalator down. He rubbed his eyes, freeing

months of dust particles from his hairy eyebrows. He looked at himself in the mirrored wall, and

wondered what in God's name was going on. "A few free bats was one thing, but this?" he thought to

himself. "At least I did it to keep the spirit of God alive."But his words were as convincing as an

infomercial for a haircutting vacuum cleaner attachment.