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hippest Stations of the Cross in town, and free coffee and donuts every Sunday. The beautiful Sister

Susie will be waiting in the back to enroll you today. Then please, feel free to join me downstairs for a

champagne brunch, featuring fruits and pastries, leg of lamb, and the best tasting eggs benedict you've

ever had."

               Father Kevin stared out into the congregation. His muscles were no longer tense. For the first

time in a church, he slouched. All he saw, in aisle after aisle, were daydreaming, drooling faces. They

were hungry, and according to Father Feinstein, God wanted them to eat. Father Kevin marched off

the altar, stopped, and declared sternly to the congregation, "Church can offer you only one thing: a

promise of something beyond your earthly existence. If that's the kind of religion you're interested in,

please join me across the street."He walked down the center of the church, not stopping or looking

back. The few people who would return to his church the next week were either too dumb struck to

move or too afraid they would be the only ones to stand up.

               Father Kevin reached the vestibule and saw Sister Susie sitting behind a table piled with stacks

of forms and a handful of pencils. There were five large cardboard boxes next to her marked "Deluxe

AM-FM Stereo Alarm Clock". A professionally produced sign above the table read, "Renew your

spirit and wake up your soul... with a free clock radio when you join today."Father Kevin shook his

head and gave a quiet, bitter laugh. From the table, Sister Susie saw him tilt his head upright again.

With a black blur from his hair above and shoes below, and between the darkness a white gown

blowing behind him, he exited the church like a puff of smoke.
 

               Several weeks later, Father Feinstein sat in his office, spinning around in his new swivel chair.

Sister Susie was busy polishing a large decorative mirror that had just been mounted opposite the

filing cabinet.

               "Yes Bish, you're quite welcome,"Father Feinstein said, continuing to wind himself in the

telephone cord, "Yes, the holiday program has been keeping the old recruits quite satisfied. It's

managing to pull in a steady 4 to 7% per week... Yeah, usually from other churches, but what do you

care? I'm getting them, aren't I? Besides, we're also seeing a few horoscope readers, astrology