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Mostly 80's Television Episodes That Didn't Make It Past the Censors
by Jason Roth
- The Flintstones
Dino gets the vacuum cleaner pregnant. Fred goes to jail for sexually harassing a woman at a construction site.
- Sesame Street
While giving Snuffeluppagus an erotic bath, Big Bird discovers a second furry trunk. This prompts Oscar the Grouch to launch into a discussion about the birds and the bees, while an "imaginary prostitute" from a nearby alley sits on his face. Burt tickles Elmo so much that Elmo gets pregnant and gives birth to the letter "R".
- The Jetsons
Elroy accidentally beams himself into a black hole. The robot that gives the eulogy at his funeral short-circuits and guns down everyone attending.
- The Facts of Life
Jo is suspended for spray-painting a swastika on Blair's bedroom door. Mrs. Garret teaches Tutie that "you can take the girl out of the jungle, but you can't take the jungle out of the girl."
- The Incredible Hulk
Bill Bixby picks up Linda Carter at a bar with the line "You wouldn't like me when I'm horny." He gets her to dress up like Wonder Woman and tie him to the bed with her lasso, but no dice. Everything gets big and green except the thing that counts.
- Little House on the Prairie
A tribe of Indians attacks the Ingalls house and scalps Michael Landen, who dies from severe blood loss. Laura gets grounded for blaming the attack on her blind sister and for rearranging the furniture. The widowed Mrs. Ingalls experiments with lesbianism.
- Knight Rider
Kit gets reprogrammed by some bad guys to speak jive, and refers to Michael Knight as "one bad-ass nigger". Michael objects to Kit's use of language, and rigs a car bomb to knock some sense into him. Later, while Kit is recuperating at the shop, Michael takes a Red Cross lifeguard training course and does some singing in Europe.
- The Smurfs
Papa Smurf is arrested by ATF Smurf for hoarding automatic weapons and running a prostitution ring. Brainy Smurf shows up for his weekly visit to Papa Smurf's whorehouse, and walks in on Smurfette interbreeding with a Snork. Brainy Smurf calls her a "smurfing slut" and shoots up the village in a jealous rage. Lazy Smurf, waking up from a nap at the bottom of the well, is the only Smurf to survive. Unfortunately, Gargamelle discovers the Smurf village, and the episode fades out with Lazy Smurf's blue tail hanging out of Azrael's ass.
- The Greatest American Hero
The Greatest American Hero discovers that he can fly perfectly fine after smoking lots of pot. He changes his costume to a tie-dyed T-shirt and renames the show "The Greatest Baked American Hero". (The lyrics of the theme song are changed to "Believe it or not, I'm inhaling air, I never thought I could get so sto-ho-honed...")
- M*A*S*H
Radar has one too many grape Nehis and drunk-drives a jeep into a minefield. His remains are found, naked and covered with the entrails of Colonel Potter's horse.
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