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Go back to: home culture bashing outbursts

Page 1

Good Urologists, Bad Teachers

by Jason Roth

Becoming a Urologist

What exactly is the thought process of someone who becomes a urologist? I don't want to put these guys down too much, because this is definitely one job that meets the qualification of a "tough job but someone's gotta do it". Nevertheless, I wonder. I assume most of them get into it after making the more general decision to be a doctor. The thinking is probably something like:

"I like science. And I'm interested in the logical thought process involved in diagnosis. Oh, and I'm really good with the penis."


Scientologists have started camping out around Times Square recently. They've been positioned on the sidewalk or down in the subway terminal, with stacks of Dianetics sitting on a table and signs reading, "Free Stress Test". It looks like they're taking people's blood pressure, but evidently they're in possession of the world's only sophisticated machinery with the capability of detecting whether someone needs to buy L. Ron Hubbard books or not.

So, I saw a few of these guys clearing away their shit in the subway last night around 11:00. One of them was holding a sign or a chair in one hand, and an unlit cigarette in the other. I said:

"You must be stressed."

"Why, because I'm smoking?"


[smiling] "I am. Very."

"So you'd fail?" [pointing at the "free stress test" sign]


I don't know. I guess there's no reason why a stressed-out guy couldn't give you a stress test. But I definitely wouldn't have a known liar giving a polygraph test. Hmm... Something tells me that maybe these guys have a hidden agenda! My virgin, fucking mind has just been soiled. Boo, hoo.


I was sitting at a bar in Port Authority the other day. I was noticing guys coming in and purchasing bottles of beer, which the bartender put into paper bags, clearly for the commute home. I was wondering why this bar was able to get away with this. Clearly, they were facilitating the public consumption of alcohol. So, I asked the bartender what exactly the rule was about buying beer to go. He replied, "As long as you sit in the back of the bus, no one asks any questions."

Well, I guess that's the only rule that matters.

Chris Rock

Ever notice that Chris Rock has never been in a decent movie? Here's a radical idea. Maybe the guy can't fucking act!

Sam Kinison was good as an actor because he just played himself. Maybe Rock should take the same approach.

My Teachers Fucked Me Again

While writing in my notebook, it occurred to me that someone really needs to invent a better, manual way to record one's thoughts, besides just pen and paper. My hand can never catch up with my thoughts. (No masturbation jokes, please.)

Then it occurred to me: there has been such an invention: shorthand. Maybe I ought to learn shorthand.

Wait a second. If shorthand is decipherable and convertible into complete English, then why doesn't everyone learn it? Why should we write in the long version of English if there's a short version? Didn't this ever occur to a school teacher? It makes sense, at least in cases when no one needs to read your writing besides you.

Let's see, I wonder when such a case might exist, a case that maybe someone as intellectually dull as the average teacher might even pick up on. Oh, I got it. How about when you're taking fucking notes, assholes!

These motherfuckers go to work each day, working in a field that's supposedly intellectual, and telling kids a bunch of shit which they expect them to pick and choose from and take note of. Hasn't one of these people ever thought that it might make sense to help kids take the best, most efficient notes possible? And who knows, maybe one or two of these kids might actually do some writing later in their lives, and might be able to take more advantage of it.

I had to learn what a fucking penis was from a gym teacher in "Health" class, but no one thought of teaching me shorthand. What the hell are these assholes talking about when they're in the teachers' lounge? Probably what most people talk about: how much they hate their jobs.

Thanks a lot for that intellectual approach to your job. I've learned how to write on my PDA, and now I gotta think about learning a whole new language. Damn, I wish I learned this in third grade.

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