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Go back to: home  culture bashing outbursts
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Page 1
Touchy People
by Jason Roth
Don't you hate these anal, goodie-goodie pussies who get all pissy at you every time you make fun of a guy with no legs? I mean, the guy has no legs. Somehow, he's managed to live his life up to that point without blowing his fucking brains out. I think somehow he'll find a way to take a fucking joke.
The day of the accident:
"Ahh! I just got run over by a fucking truck! I guess I'll claw my way over to the side of the road. Now I'll cauterize my bleeding stumps with my cigarette lighter. Aw, fuck, this hurts! Now if I can only get out my cell phone and dial 911. Shit, thank God only my left hand was run over. Now I'll bite onto this rock to survive the pain until the ambulance gets here..."
Then, later in the hospital:
"Fuck, what do I have to live for? My dreams of winning another gold medal in the 100-meter dash are ruined. There goes that multi-million dollar endorsement contract with Nike. And I'll never play soccer with my son again. My wife is gonna have to find a male prostitute to satisfy her foot fetish. And so much for this weekend's ski trip."
Then, three days later:
"It's all so terrible. I want to kill myself. I want to blow my fucking brains out. What do I have to live for? Well, there's my wife. And my son. I really love them. I want to see them again. If only I can hold on a little longer, maybe just seeing them will give me the strength to go on..."
Then, three months later:
"Life is great. I survived the ultimate test. I lived through a terrible tragedy and now I can take anything. Wait a second...what did I just hear? Holy shit! It's a comedian telling a joke about a guy with no legs! What kind of mean-spirited bullshit is this?! I can't take this shit! Losing my legs was one thing, but a fucking joke?! No goddamn way! Gimme the gun! Gimme the fucking gun!"
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