In the news:
NZ bachelor on rabbit sex charge
SYDNEY: A man faced an Australian court yesterday charged with having sexual relations with a rabbit and the sadistic killing of 17 other rabbits whose carcasses were found dumped in a lane.
I'll admit that the phrase "sexual relations with a rabbit" is one notch less euphemistic than "making love with a rabbit". Nevertheless, it still brings to my mind the image of a man standing outside a rabbit hole, ringing a doorbell, waiting for his date to stick its head out of the hole, offering flowers (before or after promising the rabbit's father to bring it back at a reasonable hour), then taking the rabbit out for carrots and a movie before driving it back to his place and fucking its brains out. In my view, humanity has not yet arrived at the proper, polite terminology for rabbit fucking. Until that time, I shall stick with the term "rabbit fucking".
This is one of those cases when you just can't help but wonder: is there a crime scene investigator in Australia who's looking for human sperm inside a rabbit? Do you think he ever guessed he'd be employing his skills for such a purpose? If he finds any sperm, how many cans of Fosters do you think he'd have to drink before he starts talking about it? I say that if you're friends with any of the guys on the CSI: Sydney team, you better watch out. You're going to be hearing a lot about rabbits in the next few months.
(Just out of curiosity, I did a little research to find out if the Australian bestiality problem has spread beyond the rabbit population and into the koala population. Unfortunately, I couldn't find any documented cases of bestiality with koalas. The closest thing I could find was a porn site with a joke about a koala and a prostitute. Evidently, the koala left before paying the prostitute because it's his nature that he "eats bush and leaves".)
On the subject of law enforcement, I wonder if anyone has ever considered involving animal psychologists in police investigations of bestiality. What better evidence of bestiality might the police have, absent of a human witness, than first-hand testimony by an animal? Granted, the field of rabbit psychology is not as advanced as say, dog psychology, but there's got to be some way to infer rape from an irregular pattern of rabbit sniffles. One practical test during a trial might be to set the rabbit free at the back of the court room, and see if it can wind its way through the maze of chairs and tables to reach its alleged attacker. Watching a cute, little rabbit hop its way through a courtroom might also serve to break up the monotony of a bestiality case.
For the more advanced animals, we should prepare for the possibility of bestiality long before any accusations are made. For example, I think the first thing every monkey ought to be taught is the sign language for "he raped me". To be fair, I guess you'd also have to teach them the negative. ("You got it all wrong, Jack, we're in love!") Afterwards, you can move on to "I'm hungry" and "yes" and "no", but let's start with the important stuff. Anything less would be unfair to the monkey, not to mention to the innocent monkey trainer or cage cleaner accused of such a heinous act.
This all being said, is it just me, or doesn't the photo caption in the article make it seem like they arrested a rabbit for this crime? The sadistic killing is a bit unusual, but as for the rabbit fucking, I really don't see a problem with it. Let's be honest. If you're a rabbit, what else do you really have to live for? I say they free the rabbit immediately. Let him live out the rest of his life in peace, fucking all the rabbits he wants. The idea that intraspecies rabbit fucking should be considered "bestiality" is religious fundamentalism taken to extremes. They're rabbits. That's what rabbits do. Let the rabbit fuck and leave the state out of it. I feel bad for the 17 dead rabbits and the one dead guinea pig, but as human beings, we should be able to separate conceptually the acts of fucking and killing. Fucking rabbits is perfectly normal. It's the killing of the rabbits afterwards that we have a problem with.
As for the involvement of the guinea pig, that's another issue entirely. The good thing about being an animal is that you're allowed to fuck outside your species without anyone properly accusing you of bestiality. You're already an animal, so whether you fuck a guinea pig, an elephant, or a dolphin is really beside the point. From now on, I say we let the rabbit fuck his guinea pigs, but let's just make sure he practices safe sex by keeping sharp objects outside his cage at all times. If we discover that the rabbit is able to commit murder with his teeth, then it's perfectly fair to ask him to use a mouth guard during intercourse.
Now, in the unlikely event that I've completely misinterpreted this article, and in fact it was a human being who was fucking all these rabbits, then might I make a suggestion to all current and potential rabbit fuckers? An alternative to fucking live rabbits would be the far more humane spider hand puppet.
I think you'll find that sex with a spider hand puppet entails many of the same pleasures you find so appealing in the act of rabbit fucking, without the icky mess. It feels good, and it's entertaining to children.
In fact, a similar accessory might be employed by pedophiliacs.
