Modern Wedding Rings
Here's what we need. Wedding rings with GPS. Global Positioning. The same technology used to locate missing mountain climbers and people who get lost in the woods.
So, ladies, it's 2:00 AM on a Saturday night and your husband's not home yet. He might be lost.
Hmm... according to the GPS tracking device, he appears to be located inside a drawer in a nightstand at a Motel 6. How the hell did he get lost in there?
"Sir" Elton John
Look, I like Elton John as much as the next guy. In fact, if I had to pick an Elton John or Billy Joel CD as my desert island disk, I'd go with Elton John. But on a commercial for tonight's John McEnroe CNBC show, the announcer referred to him as: Sir Elton John.
What kind of pompous prick do you have to be to call yourself "Sir"? This guy plays the fucking piano, he hasn't slain a fucking dragon, for Christ's sake. There's something about Elton John and Paul McCartney sharing a title with Lancelot that just doesn't sit well with me.
Then again, you might say that appearing on John McEnroe's show offsets any pompous title references.
Buying Condoms
Some guys are embarrassed, even as adults, to buy condoms. I'm not. I buy mine at stores run by Indian guys. There's something about these guys that makes me think I can do anything in front of them and they wouldn't give a shit. They have the sort of look that says "Hey, man, I don't know who you are, and frankly, I don't really give a flying fuck." I like that attitude.
Why Do They Sell Porno Magazines at Airports?
I've noticed that you can buy porno magazines at some airport newsstands. Where exactly are you supposed to read these magazines? On the airplane?
"Sir, I'm going to have to ask you to put your tray table up and your dick back into your pants for take-off. The captain will let you know when it's permissible to use all FAA-approved-devices."
Based on the inventory of airport newsstands, evidently my dick has been FAA-approved.
I wonder if there's any sort of club for people who whack off while an airplane is taxiing? In some cities, I guess you could call it the mile high club.
"Hey, guess what? I'm in the mile high club."
"Holy shit, how'd you manage that?"
"I whacked off in Denver."
"Dude, I don't think that's really what they meant by the mile high club. I think you need to be in the air, and with another person."
"Bullshit. Then they should've called it the 'fuck another person in the air club'. Don't change the rules just because you don't like who's applying for membership. I'll sue your ass. Us blacks and Jews, and people who masturbate on airplanes have been persecuted for too fucking long in this country. It's time to send a message to these bastards."
Know what would be funny? If whacking off in airplane bathrooms became so common that it caused line problems, and the airlines actually had to do something about it.
Can you imagine walking into an airplane bathroom and seeing a "no whacking off" sign? It would be a hand on a dick with a line through it. Presumably, it would be located right next to the sign that tells you how to dispose of your tampon.
Meditation
The other day, I walked past the aerobics room at my gym, and I saw some lady sitting on the floor with her legs crossed. It occurred to me that "gym" is short for "gymnasium", which derives from the Greek word meaning "to exercise naked". I thought: this bitch is neither exercising, nor naked. What the fuck is this?
Sure, you might try to tell me that technically I don't belong to a "gym", I belong to a "health club". But my response to you would be something along the lines of: "Go fuck yourself, you soft, pansy, PC asshole. Find me a fucking on-duty doctor in this place and I'll call it a health club, otherwise shut your goddamn trap."
I strongly object to gym classrooms being used for any, old group activity. I don't expect to see a bunch of housewives having an orgy, and I can do without the praying without prayer. That's all this meditation shit is: secular prayer. If you buy the idea that you need a class to teach you how to sit on the fucking floor and think about nothing, then have I got the classes for you. Masturbation school. Enrollment starts today.
Still Voting for Nobody
I'm still planning to vote for nobody this November. To remind you, I'm not going to stay home on election day. I'm going to go out and actually vote for nobody. I'm betting on the slight chance that nobody gets elected and the entire US government collapses in chaos. Maybe some rogue military commander will take over and decide to conduct an experiment that compares and contrasts bowling balls with nuclear warheads and Middle-Eastern governments with bowling pins.
Just don't go changing your name to "Nobody" before the votes are tallied. I may have to assassinate you.
Embarrassed to Death
Some guy in Florida killed himself yesterday, and blamed a local newspaper for writing about his allegedly "having had sex with a 12-year-old boy," according to an article in Editor & Publisher. What's interesting to me is not that this guy killed himself, nor the fact that he blamed his suicide on a newspaper (though this is undoubtedly funny). What's interesting to me is that Editor & Publisher calls sex with a 12-year-old boy "sex with a 12-year-old boy".
I assume that when a guy is arrested for having sex with an adult woman, the writers at Editor & Publisher don't say the guy is being accused of "having had sex with a woman". It must be the whole "statutory" thing that threw them off. Maybe, they must have thought, the 12-year-old child voluntarily had sex with the man. They wouldn't want to be so presumptuous as to scream "rape" without knowing all the facts, right?
I'm trying to imagine a circumstance when having sex with a 12-year-old boy would not be "rape". Hmm... nope. Can't imagine one. Here's postulation number two: the editors at Editor & Publisher don't like to use the word "rape".
Well, there's one way to test this theory. I did a search for "rape" on their website and, indeed, they have many articles on rape. Evidently, I misjudged them. They actually quite like the subject.
The first article listed in their search results was titled "Paid Links Are Easy, Cross-Media Still a Hard Sell". It was intriguing to me that "rape" would be in an article with this title. Reading on, I discovered that the article actually talks about text ads, like the ones you see on Google when you do a search, which display based on the particular keywords you type in. Evidently, the news media were concerned about "ads for San Diego real estate running with a news story about the terrible wildfires that destroyed thousands of homes there, or a personals ad that popped up next to a CNN.com story about rape."
Here's a real example of an inappropriate (but amusing) CNN text ad.
Holy Jesus, mother of God, is this funny. I gotta see what other inappropriate ads come up during searches. Get me to Google, now.
Stupid Google Tricks
Here are some keyword searches and the text ads they brought up on Google:
"suicide" - Although I did get some ads that promised to help me get over my depressing thoughts, I also got an ad from "SHOP.COM" asking me to "Shop for Suicide". Clicking on the link, I found that I could purchase the "Mr. Suicide Bathtub Plug" and the "Unsolved History: Death of Marilyn Monroe" DVD. The product I found most tempting was a book entitled "Go Ahead, Jump!".
- "wasting disease" - Gave me an ad for "Affordable Health Plans" at nextinsurance.com. Plain, old "disease" brought up an ad for "The Greatest Vitamin in the World!" over at loveyourbody.biz.
- "how do I put glass in someone's food?" - This one resulted in an ad inviting me to "Buy and Sell on eBay". I'm guessing that somebody on eBay has a book or videotaped lecture on this procedure.
- "fire death" - Gave me an ad for "First-Rate Injury Lawyers".
- "iraq" - Got an ad for "Iraq Hotels" at infobert.com, where I can get "Deep discounts on flights, hotels, vacations and rental cars." I thought this must have been a joke, so I clicked on it to be sure. Sure enough, the website is for real. These morons also paid Google for "Iran" and "Brazil". Not for "Spain" or "France", though. I guess those were too expensive.
- "abortion" - In addition to "Abortion Advice Now", I also got an ad for "Free Essays and Papers" at a website called CheatHouse.com. Initially, I thought maybe CheatHouse was trying to appeal to the teenage girl market segment with this keyword, but I realized that they just have lots of essays on abortion.
You know, if enough people click on "Iraq Hotels", you could probably put infobert.com out of business. Not that they could possibly stay in business.
