Actual Bumper Sticker
On my way to an airport recently, I saw a bumper sticker that said:
"Women are natural leaders.
You're following one now."
Needless to say, this bumper sticker was not on the back of a Mercedes. I think we can safely assume that the woman who chose to put this particular bumper sticker on the back of her car was not sitting on the board of directors of any major, well-known corporations. I also think it's a fair statement to say that attaching a bumper sticker to your car, to artificially inflate your own self esteem, has got to be only one or two notches above letting yourself starve to death under your bed sheets. This is not a woman who should be allowed to lead other human beings in any significant professional activities, other than, perhaps, campfire songs at the company retreat. Even then, I'd keep my eye on her to make sure she doesn't accidentally fall into the fire.
After I got to the airport, I made my usual stop at the bar, to have a Sam Adams or Brooklyn Lager (I apologize that I did not make a note of this important fact), and asked for one order of buffalo wings. (For the sake of clarity, the order contained only buffalo wings, celery sticks, and blue cheese.) Now here's where it gets good. The female bartender behind the bar brought my order with a fork and knife. This was not a fork and knife pre-wrapped in a napkin, mind you. She had actually taken the time to grab the silverware and hand them to me, presumably so I could be the first person in the history of time to cut up one's buffalo wings and eat them with a fork.
Clearly, the woman who brought me the fork and knife for my buffalo wings was a natural leader.
Fishing for a Girlfriend
Visiting singles bars when you have a girlfriend is like going out on a fishing boat and leaving your rod at home.
On the other hand, going to bars with your girlfriend is like going fishing and bringing your own robotic fish specifically programmed to be attracted to your rod. Each time, you get to throw the fish in the water, catch it, then take a picture of yourself standing there holding the fish. Sure, the element of surprise is missing. But at the end of the day, you know you're going home with a nice fish. Also, I happen to be a big fan of sushi.
The Lyrics of Your Favorite Songs
Have you noticed that the lyrics in your favorite songs are so much more meaningful to you, just because you like the music? I can't tell you how many times I've heard friends praise lyrics (or make me read their CD liner notes) because some melody has convinced them that these words are now the most important words ever written.
I do the same thing myself repeatedly. There's a song by a band called Ten Foot Pole called The Getaway with the lyrics:
"I'd always do things my own way,
Never cared what the experts say,
I thought they were so full of shit"
If you heard this song at the proper volume (on my stereo at level 3 or above), I have faith that you'd agree. The problem is that the song is about one of those maniacs on World's Wildest Police Chases who's about to get pulled over by the cops for not wearing his seatbelt or something, then freaks out and gets into a high-speed chase that ends in thoughts of how much promise his life had and how it's all about to end. Pretty uplifting, huh? Somehow, all I end up hearing is those lyrics above. To me, it's a song about individualism.
Similarly, there's a classic punk song by the Misfits called Last Caress in which Glenn Danzig sings,
"I've got somethin' to say,
I killed your baby today, and it
Doesn't matter much to me
As long as it's dead
"I've got somethin' to say,
I raped your mother today, and it
Doesn't matter much to me
As long as she spread"
It's amazing how Glenn Danzig's voice can make me forget that the lyric "I raped your mother today" has something to do with raping someone's mother. In most circumstances, I tend to be against the raping of people's mothers. But damn, while Glenn Danzig is singing about it, I have no problem making a temporary exception.
