It looks like Google will need to update its maps of the Middle East pretty soon. All the people who have fled the region will need to Google their neighborhood and find out if it still exists. It's a good thing we have this kind of technology. It sucks when you pack up your shit to go home and find a big hole in the ground, covered with pamphlets that say "We advise you to pack your shit and run like a motherfucker" in Arabic. I mean, that was polite of the Israelis and everything, but where's your fucking television set?
Everybody knows that another great use for Google Earth is identifying your next terrorism target. Unfortunately, sometimes the photos are old and you might accidentally be planning to bomb a department store that was once a condominium converted from a warehouse and is now a parking lot. Pavement makes shitty shrapnel. Your buddies in Hamas would bust your balls about this to no end. But who the fuck are they, anyway? If they were so good at being terrorists, they'd have blown themselves up by now. Assholes.
You can also use Google Earth to identify your next vacation spot. Make sure that you've found the right Google Earth Hack, though, otherwise you might be a little disappointed by the size of the rooms. You'd think Google would at least be able to add some computer-generated craters to any areas of the world that have been hit by natural or manmade disasters, sort of as placeholders until they can upload the real pictures of craters.
If you think about it, there's no reason that Google Earth couldn't function after the world is destroyed. Before the satellites go flying out of orbit, I'm sure they could snap a few pictures of the Earth in one, big, orange fireball. Oh, shit. I forgot about all those Google servers on the Earth's surface. They'd be blown up, too. Either Google better build some kind of force field around those new servers (don't forget under the ground), or they need to hurry it up with that facility on the moon.
But it's not just Google servers that we'd need to save from the total destruction of the Earth. Now, I'm no scientist, but (be careful when you hear someone say that) if they could maintain a working server on the moon, I'm sure these bastards could send up some human DNA while they're at it. Actually, some alien CSI team could probably harvest human beings from the microscopic specs of dead skin left on the sides of those Google servers.
Nevertheless, I think you could make a case for federally funding a time capsule on the moon. Technically, this isn't part of the fundamental duties of government (i.e., protecting individual rights by means of creating and upholding laws and running a military), but you might say that making plans for the extermination of the human race is sort of the last-ditch effort to protect "man's rights". I know, it's a stretch, but our government should be up on the moon, anyway. I want a big gun up there pointing down at China and the Middle East. All I'm asking is that somebody use a spare cabinet drawer, maybe right below the keys to the red button, to put a petri dish or two containing a few of my cells.
What, you have a problem with the human race being resurrected from my cells? Holy shit, I see the potential for the next "Name a Star After Someone" racket. For fifty bucks, we'll ship your DNA into space, increasing your chances by 10,000,000% that you'll be the great-grandfather of everyone.
You know, just because the future of humanity may have you to thank for providing them with a basis for life, it doesn't mean they still won't think you're a moron.
