So, another kid is missing. He seems to be getting quite popular, now that the last one has been presumed dead. The news channels have discovered that kids who are "missing and could be dead" get more viewers than "missing and definitely dead". I have a feeling that "missing, might be sodomized, definitely tortured, and allegedly still breathing inside an underground metal box" would get even better ratings. For that story, I might even help out the ratings personally.
The regular missing kids bore me. I'm sure if the latest missing kid were mine, I'd be volunteering my face to needy broadcasters like the kid's actual parents are doing. But since I don't know the kid, he could have been eaten by a bear for all I care. I'm not saying that I'm actively hoping the kid's been eaten by a bear. I'm just saying that I'm not actively hoping he's not been eaten by a bear. If a person's hope could help influence actual human events, mine would be on vacation. Probably in Aruba.
I have too much work to do. For example, I have this article to write for which I'm not going to be paid, and about which I drew a complete blank when I got around to identifying a topic. Then I realized why I was drawing the blank. There's nothing to write about. Nothing is happening besides the disappearance of kids.
I was reminded of John Stossel's "summer of the shark", when the media covered shark attacks because O.J. Simpson wasn't getting away with murder that year. If something important happens now, I guarantee you that our missing kid problem will vanish like somebody's kid into a dark, unmarked van. Another domestic terrorist attack should do the trick. And not just because there will be fewer kids to abduct.
Have you received those direct mail postcards advertising something on one side, and asking you if you've seen the kid who disappeared 15 years ago on the other? I guess this is as good a way as any to locate people who are long gone, but my question has to do with the advertising. If you were a marketing manager, wouldn't you say it's a bad idea for your product or service (say, carpet cleaning) to be upstaged by a missing kid? I say that if you want to publicize missing kids' photos, pay for a separate mailing. Then send another postcard with your 20%-off carpet cleaning promotion. I don't know about you, but I tend to pay much more attention to the missing kids than the carpet cleaning. It's probably because I find it interesting to see what the sketch artist would think the kid looks like 15 years later. By the way, I haven't found any kids yet.
According to the National Center for Missing & Exploited Children:
"One in six of the missing kids featured on these cards and through the efforts of other NCMEC photo partners are recovered as a direct result of the photograph."
I'm not sure which accounting company certifies the NCMEC's statistics, but I'll give them some slack and assume that one in six is somewhere in the ballpark. (Shit, I just bitched about the use of baseball metaphors the other day. Oops, I guess I really "corked my bat".)
You know, if the media really wanted to act like they gave a flying fuck about missing kids (not actually give a flying fuck, just look like it), maybe they'd do a story on the primary cause of missing kids: their families. According to the above statistics page of the NCMEC website: "The largest number of missing children are 'runaways'; followed by 'family abductions'." My guess is that a network news story that asks parents "Runaways at a new high - will your kid be next?" won't get the sympathy ratings that a "Poor kid gets lost in the mountains" will get. Jesus Christ, does Fox News think that turning this kid's parents into wallpaper will help the wild boars sniff the kid out from under his rock? Of course not. It's religious to suffer, and Fox wants its audience's piety cup to runneth over.
And if you think CNN isn't covering missing kids during the lull between two big, spectacular acts of violence, think again. The only difference is that CNN does it more "objectively". Which means that CNN broadcasters try their best not to express any displeasure over the fact that the child of the parents they've been hanging out with twenty-four hours a day for the past two weeks is most likely decomposing in a river somewhere. In other words, CNN just removes the emotion from its emotionally-charged stories. Hence, my decision to watch Fox News, which at least doesn't put me to fucking sleep. (Although I must say that European CNN makes American CNN look like front row at a Gatti-Ward fight. The minimum stimulus required for a European consciousness must be lower than that of Americans'. I'd think I'd rather watch German porn than European CNN.)
So enough with cable news and missing kids. The reason I got into this topic in the first place is because I wanted to see if anything interesting was actually happening in the world. All Drudge gave me was Howard Dean, Hillary Clinton, Tom Cruise, and OPEC. Then I spotted the real story. Finally, a link that got my attention: "SHOCK: Teen accused of raping neighbor's dog!"
Obviously, sex with a dog is funny. But there was something about the word "rape" that made this particular story even funnier.
Here's what I wanted to know: is it always "rape" every time you have sex with a dog? Is there ever such a thing as "consensual sex" with a dog? What if you have a really well-trained dog? For example, a dog that's mastered basic forms of communication? Could you claim that sometimes "bark" means "yes"? What if you could prove that your dog barks once for "yes" and twice for "no", and you can provide a videotape to the police showing the dog barking only once, but frequently?
Is there such a thing as doggie date rape? Do you get more jail time if you drug his bone? What if you train your dog to fuck you doggie style? Does that count as rape, too, or just mental cruelty? What if you're white, and you rape a black dog? Does that count as a hate crime?
And just when I thought nothing could be funnier than dog rape, I saw the actual headline on the site Drudge linked to:
"Charges Against Teen Upgraded After Dog He Allegedly Raped Dies"
I don't think a genetic lab test resulting in a mutant half-breed of Mark Twain and Sam Kinison could write a better headline. But it gets even better.
The Fox Carolina site that carries the story displays three smiling newscasters atop the same page that carries the Pulitzer-deserving headline. Were they smiling because of the dog rape, too?
I also see that Fox presumably broke its usual rules about not displaying the photo of the rape victim.
Unfortunately, once I read the actual story, the humor began to subside. Call me naïve, but for some reason I didn't expect the level of detail would include the words... well, I'll do you a favor. I'll omit the phrases that took all the fun out of the dog rape. Let's just say that after reading the grisly details, I feel truly sorry for the dog's family.
When missing children are covered to fill a current events vacuum during a war, and the molestation of children play a minor part in a story about a dog, it's time to change the channel. Or in this case, to browse other depictions of sexual conduct between a man and man's best friend. (As long as the best friend in question walks on two feet and has a relatively small quantity of fur.)
