To God, without whom there would be no one to thank for my own achievements
To Allah, Buddha, Dionysus, Jah, Krishna, Loki, Re, the ghost of Christmas past, Harvey the Rabbit, Gazoo, gremlins (especially Gizmo, though technically he was a mogwai), Casper the Ghost, the Tooth Fairy, the collective spirits of Yoda and Obi-Wan, Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, the contents of the Pulp Fiction briefcase, the Lucky Charms leprechaun, sundry little people (imps, pixies, sprites, elves, smurfs, and snorks), Tinkerbell, and the Peter Sellers character from Being There
To Samuel Adams Boston Lager, the crisp, cold, delicious beverage, available at better liquor stores near you
To [note to editor: insert second product placement here]
To Democrats, who make thievery and cowardice sound so romantic
To Republicans, who make Democrats look principled
To every school teacher I ever had who tried his or her best to instill in me a hatred of learning, creativity, and individuality, but whose intellects were somehow inferior to their teaching skills
To my ex-boss, for helping me to understand the virtue of not being a fake, pretentious whore
To that asshole who cut me off on Route 17 South near the Barnes & Noble; I'm sorry I couldn't get my window open fast enough to give you the finger, you bastard
