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On Triple Splitz-O Cups and Starving Children Printable Version

by Jason Roth

The following moral dilemma occurred to me the other day:

You're somewhat thirsty. Not too thirsty, just mildly enough that you would start considering moral dilemmas involving Coca Cola and starving children.

So there you are, thirsty, when suddenly to your delight you are offered one delicious, ice-cold can of Coke. And, like most hypothetical moral dilemmas (like the one when you're on a lifeboat in the middle of the ocean and the only thing left to eat is your grandmother), there is a catch.

You have a choice: Either crack open the Coke and let that wonderful caramel-colored carbonated beverage flow - or - send a portion of food of equivalent value, say seventy-five cents worth, to a starving child somewhere on the other side of the planet. Either satisfy your mild thirst and let some kid starve, or save the kid and remain thirsty.

There was not a moment's hesitation in my mind. I'd enjoy every drop.

If one was available, I might even open a second can, even if I wasn't that thirsty and thought I'd only finish half. I'd chuck out the second half-full can of Coke (notice that I'm an optimist) into the trash like a twelve-inch loaf of freshly baked bread postmarked Express Airmail to Ethiopia - Postage Paid.

There's way too much that I love about life to give it up because someone I don't know, in a country I've never been to, has been metaphysically fucked. What exactly would it say about my opinion of life if I was so eager to throw mine away? After all, we're not talking about one can of Coke. We're talking about any cans of Coke. How exactly do you defend your right to a Coke - or to anything above bare sustenance - as long as there are people starving in the world?

Simple. You open up your window and yell...

"This is my life! And if you're going to ask me to be a partner in someone else's misfortune just because I was fortunate enough to be born in a country where people feed dogs rather than eat them, then you can take that collection plate and shove it so far up your bleeding-heart liberal ass that your stomach protrudes like some African kid that got serenaded to death with ten thousand minutes of We Are the World and Do They Know It's Christmas and only wishes he could contemplate a country where people could feel guilty about eating food, let alone have enough money to spend on a can of bubbling brown liquid that exists for the sole reason that someone had enough fucking pride to believe his life was actually worth more than a sacrificial lamb to be chopped up and fed to anyone more miserable than himself!"

If you really want to save the humans, I say start with yourself.

Do you realize that we live in a world that not only contains cans of Coca Cola, but the 7-Eleven 36-ounce Big Gulp of Coca Cola? And hold on to your mouth watering lips, because the world gets even better than that. We live in a world that contains the Coca Cola Slurpee. That's right: the perfectly blended, ultimate pinnacle of soft-drink evolution - a Coca Cola drink made out of pure ice, churning tirelessly in a machine made for the sole purpose of filling your dollar-twenty-five chalice of plastic with the world's coldest, syrup-based liquid-popsicle, as refreshing as it is delicious.

Now take a breath. I am about to tell you that the world gets even better. I shit you not.

That's right, we live in a world that goes beyond mere Coke, mere Big Gulps, and mere Slurpees. We live in a world that contains the Slurpee Triple Splitz-O Cup that can be filled not just with one flavor of Slurpee, but with two other Slurpee flavors at the exact same time - all at one low price.

How in Man's Name can you waste a moment of your precious life feeling guilty in a world like this? I say you have not lived until you have experienced the Slurpee Triple Splitz-O Cup.

But if the Slurpee Triple Splitz-O Cup isn't reason enough to live, fear not. I can provide plenty more.

For starters, the McDonald's Super-Sized Value Meal. The amount of French fries in a Super-Sized Value Meal has to be enough to feed an entire tribe of starving Africans. Chow down, I say. Personally, I can't even order Super-Sized Value Meals because they're just too damn big for me; I stick with the plain old large size. And that's what's so beautiful. We live in a world occupied by (A) a fast food restaurant, and (B) a fast food restaurant that serves a meal that's actually too large for some human stomachs!

Doesn't the Super-Sized Extra Value Meal make you want to get out and live?

And while you're at it, grab some Pop Rocks, put on some Moon Boots, take a ride on a Big Wheel, and listen to some good old fashioned punk rock music.

And by all means, strap on a Gummi Watch. I swear to fucking God this exists. No, it doesn't tell time, but who the hell cares when you can eat the goddamn thing? An entire watch made out of 100% pure gummi. Please tell me - does it get any better than this?

Yes, it does.

You can find an Easter egg, unwrap a Christmas present, and eat more Turkey than a normal-sized human digestive tract can possibly digest. Then you can survive on nothing but Thanksgiving-leftover club sandwiches for three weeks afterwards.

Join my club. The club of living your life. With everyone talking about how they care so much about human life, I'd just like to see someone actually living one. And as long as we have a world of people only getting what they need, it's not going to be a club with a very large membership. For the sake of your own happiness, what you really need are some things you don't need.

Did I really need the Change-Color Spoon that came free in my box of Froot Loops? Hell no. Which is precisely why I walked past the kitchen utensil aisle without temptation, but was a complete sucker in the cereal aisle. The Cocoa Pebbles weren't enough. No way - I had to get that Change-Color Spoon.

Let's make a deal. If you still want to give that seventy-five cents to some starving kid you've never met, do it on one condition. Do it after you've gotten yourself at least one box of Cracker Jack, one light comedy movie, one Crazy Straw, one sushi dinner, one coffee-table book, one Hand Grenade, one pack of Wacky Pack Stickers, one pack of clove cigarettes, one tin of mints, one bottle of Rectal Rocket Fuel hot sauce, one Pentel Milky Gel Roller, one Slurpee, and one Coke.

And after treating yourself, you still have some spare change for charity,

then go ahead.

Splurge.

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