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What's Wrong With The News
by Jason Roth
As for the alleged affair, that's another story. An interest in that requires another motive entirely. Or possibly two if you count the sexual perversion. With celebrity infidelities, we enter a different realm. The same realm where you'll find the TV talk show. The braces-needing, grammar-ignorant, Department of Motor Vehicles-working, overweight, undersexed, all knowing and all powerful TV talk show audience. In the modern world, we don't need lions to tear apart the Christians, we'll do it ourselves, thank you. Eliminate the middle man. The idea is gold. Cheaper, and no steak bills or shoveling up leftover lion shit.
And we'll take more than Christians, too - we don't discriminate. We'll take Siamese twin lesbians and alien strippers who embarrass their teenage daughters by wearing too much make-up and push-up bras that expose their green-blooded veins in their four scaly alien tits.
Give us your tired, your ugly, your stupid, your slutty. Give them to us. We'll beat them so silly we won't even remember why we're beating them. And know what? For that one hour of lashing and moralizing, we'll forget the job we hate, the spouse who snores, the dream we never acted upon, and the life we're afraid to live. The trailer-park trash on the television talk show stage - or the adulterous movie star in the pages of the "entertainment" tabloid - they're our fix. No, let's call it catharsis. On second thought, a "concern for others". We just care about our fellow brethren.
Ok, one piece of advice to all the people lovers out there: a little more focus on the inventions, the discoveries, the technology, and all the other boring new shit might just bring us to a point where fewer people are raped and murdered, fewer disasters destroy fewer homes, and fewer grade-Z actors become famous for fucking everyone but their wives.
And for everyone who already knows all this, another piece of advice. If there's nothing on the tube worth watching, or nothing on the newsstand worth reading, or nothing on the web worth clicking, then don't watch - don't read - don't click. But make it clear why you're abstaining from this mess, and what it is your abstaining from. Tell the media, tell everyone. Make a little news.
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