Who can object to things that are new? New stuff is great, isn't it? There's new inventions, new discoveries, new technology, new medical procedures, even new sexual positions and new toothpaste dispensers. Hell, at some point in our lives, we'll probably even be happy to see a new and improved adult undergarment. (One that won't embarrass us in the middle of the family picnic or neighborhood bridge tournament.)
Jesus Christ, not that long ago we saw the new retractable dog leash and new, easier-burning logs for your fireplace. When man finds ways to improve a goddamn log, you know you've been born into the right species.
So what are some of the ways, you might ask, someone could tell us about "new" stuff and completely screw up in the process? Easy.
For one thing, it doesn't improve the average person's quality of life to learn "new" ways of tying a nun to a tree and raping her with a pitch fork. But too bad, that's tonight's top story. Or what about the latest details about how many people were left homeless in the exciting Zimbabwe volcano disaster, assuming there is anyone in Zimbabwe who has a home to begin with. But don't worry. If you don't know the number of homeless there yet, you will soon enough. If any of them have AIDS or some other newer, more fashionable virus, one that, say, makes you rot from the inside out or makes you think you have snakes crawling inside your skull, you'll know about them even sooner.
After all, according to the media, the world's a living hell, and they're going to make damn sure you don't forget it.
Did your team win the playoff game? Great, but the team captain was caught in bed with a transvestite prostitute. Do those new jeans look really good on you? Fantastic, but eighteen twelve-year-olds from some third-world swamp had to work their asses off to make them, instead of enjoying the privilege of being shot to death during a third-period math quiz here in safe U.S. of A.
