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Grey-Haired, Senile Asshole

Don Imus and His Bad Impression of a Sexist Black Guy
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by Jason Roth

I hope we can all agree that Don Imus deserves to be called a "grey-haired, senile asshole". I hope we can still live with the old people jokes. It seems clear that American society has pretty much rejected the "white people pretending to talk like black people" jokes. Not that it's hard to understand why we have a tolerance for old people jokes but zero tolerance for jokes premised on the existence of black people and black vernacular. No one's afraid of old people rioting.

Watch out, though, April 29th is coming. Some black people have celebrated basketball games by flipping over cars and setting them on fire. How might they celebrate the 15th anniversary of the LA riots?

The braided-haired slut who falsely accused the Duke lacrosse team members of rape seems to be at least as honorable a cause for rioting as Rodney King. Though Rodney's got her beat in the arrest contest.

The issue isn't whether every black person will join the riot, should it happen, though many of your friends and coworkers would be happy to join. The issue is that there are a lot of fucking pissed off black people in this country, and this means two things:

1. If you're not black, you are scared.

2. If you're a black reverend or a black comedian, you can cash in on black people being fucking pissed off and get the added bonus of everyone else being too scared to say, "Hey, wait a minute, this doesn't seem fair."

If you even hint that it isn't fair (which is all you'll do because you're afraid not to be racist, but appear to be) then you'll get one word shoved down your throat: slavery. My great-great-great grandparents are the cause of every goddamn thing some pissed-off black racist chooses to excuse himself of. Of course, my great-great-great grandparents weren't in this country at the time of American slavery. But that's ok, I'm white, I look like the descendant of a slave-owner.

One man who wouldn't join the riot is Al Sharpton. Al Sharpton doesn't riot because rioting gets your hands dirty. Al Sharpton files class action suits. (Lawyers are already dirty, so what's a little extra dirt?) Sharpton's latest suit concerns the NYPD stopping and searching more black people for the absurd reason that, get this, black people commit more crimes. Everyone knows this, so I won't bother quoting statistics that some idiot will inevitably dispute while knowing goddamn well it's true. Instead, I'll quote Sharpton:

"Whether this is sanctioned by Mayor Bloomberg or Police Commissioner Kelly, it is certainly happening under their administrations, and we are seeing no remedy from them," Sharpton said. "We are in a city where we are little over 30 percent of the population, and yet over 52 percent of those being stopped. That is profiling. When you factor in tourists, and people who come from Connecticut, and New Jersey and Long Island who come to shop or work, we're only 25 percent, so that makes the figures even more disturbing."

The only reason this racist asshole uses numbers at all is so the rodents who follow him around like the Pied Piper can fend off the weak impulses towards logic they have yet fully to stifle. Any halfway honest, mildly retarded or above individual understands that a high percentage of blacks commit crimes. And I sincerely believe that Al Sharpton is either mildly retarded or above.

If you don't think Al Sharpton isn't waiting and praying for the great, big race war, think again. It's time to stop giving racists like this any shred of respect. Sharpton should be starving in the street and whining at me as I walk past with change rattling in my pocket. He's a modern-day Tartuffe. Make that tartufo.

The real discussion that ought to be happening in this country is why racists like Sharpton have a following at all and why the media treats them as leaders of an entire racial segment of Americans. The answer is obvious: because so many in that racial segment are racists. It is obvious, albeit unmentionable, that the race problem in America is ten times worse amongst blacks than amongst any other race. You don't have to run through your list of black friends to make this claim. You just have to, on occasion, keep your eyes and ears open. More blacks conceive of their own identity as fundamentally part of a group rather than separate and individuated. You don't have to read between the lines to figure this out. Many assert their group identity proudly. Like people of every other color, shape, and size, blacks have their own problems, and it's up to them to clean up the mess. Hopefully, they can find a few more non-racists to help out with the racism problem.

An incompetent, half-dead DJ makes a shitty, half-assed attempt at doing an impression of a black guy, and every white guy in a suit is climbing over the next one in order to condemn the act of pure evil or cancel his TV and radio advertising. Good thing Korean grocery stores didn't get looted or white truck drivers pulled out of their cabs and beaten. The ethicists of this country who are so self-assured about what's politically acceptable would be at a loss for words. Not that the media would offer them a platform.

Pointing out tattoos on the black women's bodies, I assume Imus thought the women looked tough. So, he said so. Personally, I wouldn't have used the phrase "nappy-headed". The only other time I remember hearing this used previously was in Stevie Wonder's song I Wish, and frankly, I thought it only applied to men. Alas, my ignorance. But I also wouldn't have used "ho". I have a personal attachment to "whore", "slut", "bitch", and "cunt". Given the context, though, I personally might have opted for "tough-looking bitches". Had I been describing my own best friends, I might have said "tough-looking bastards". Both would have been equally complimentary. Imus, however, opted to kill his airtime by phrasing his thought in the vernacular of a black rapper. That's his prerogative. That's also why "radio personality" is an oxymoron when used to describe Don Imus. This guy is such a talentless, mumbling zombie, it's no wonder he's the one botching jokes and Howard Stern is the one raking in millions on satellite radio. Don Imus is no Howard Stern. Case closed.

Just one last question, though. Is it still ok to laugh at black comedians doing their old, faithful "dopey white guy" accent? Or am I only allowed to laugh when they call me a "cracker" in their own voice?

I wish someone would explain the rules to me. It seems like there's a lot out there I should be getting offended by. I'm just not sure what.

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