STH Newsletter

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In Defense of Large
Fake Breasts

by Jason Roth

6. They don't taste like metal.

   Getting friendly with an Eskimo woman shouldn't entail getting your tongue frozen to her cleavage. Reliable breasts, both natural and artificial, have built-in mechanisms for dealing with extreme temperatures. Aluminum siding is not one of them.

7. When you squeeze them, they return to their original shape.

   The ability to bounce back under extreme pressure is just as admirable in a woman's breasts as it is in her character. Breasts with depressions, dents, or dimples can only mean one thing: they're filled with sand or fiberglass and they've had at least one previous owner.

8. They rarely, if ever, excrete bright green fluids.

   A bubbling, bright-green ooze is no more of a turn-on in the bedroom than it is in a nuclear power plant. Breasts which have had their safety-seals broken are not to be fooled with. Heck, if the breasts even have a safety seal I'd watch my step.

9. When their owner lies down, the breasts don't remain standing.

   It's perfectly fine if part of the breasts are a bit stiff. However, if the breasts just refuse to make themselves comfortable, even in the face of a direct order, the breasts are simply not to be trusted.

10. The words "Made in China" are not stamped below the left nipple.

    It's astounding how many people inadvertently acquire sexual satisfaction at the expense of tens of thousands of Chinese political prisoners. It's not only unethical to fondle a breast made in China, it's downright risky. To be truly certain that a breast is of the highest quality, look for the "Made in the USA" label.

So, what then is the proper response to a woman with unusually large, round, or perky breasts? Well, it ain't "are they natural?" Instead, try a comment that shows her the respect she deserves. Like "thank you."

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