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Printable Version

In Defense of Large
Fake Breasts

Previously published in Gallery Magazine in a slightly edited form under the name "The Big Fake Breast Test".

by Jason Roth

Thanks mainly to the propaganda of ugly, flat-chested, Barbie doll-hating feminists, a single question is being asked by more and more people upon seeing a well-endowed woman:

Are they real?

The controversy arises not because the woman's breasts are discolored, lopsided, furry, hexagonal, or metallic, but because they are simply large (and/or well-rounded). One question: since when are plastic surgeons installing holograms? Ok, so silicone isn't natural, but it exists for Christ's sake. Fake breasts are real in the sense that they aren't illusions or made out of tofu. They're there, aren't they?

But let's ignore this illogic. Generally, what people mean is: are the breasts natural? In other words: did they grow on their own, or was there some kind of intervention by man? The answer: who cares? Since when is a cave better than a house? Or a donkey better than a Ferrari? Or wild berries better than dinner at a French restaurant? What makes something less valuable just because man created it? God dammit, do the breasts look like breasts?

No?

Ok, in that case, we have a problem. If you happen to be looking at a pair of breasts and notice something odd (like, for example, the breasts are looking back at you), you may have inadvertently stumbled upon the bad boob job.

The question is, how can you be sure? Were the breasts accidental freaks of nature - or was it worse? Were they the products of some sick practical joke? Or mad scientist? Or visiting surgeon from the University of Baghdad? Before you attempt to go near the breasts, you must be certain that the breasts are reliable. For your own safety, we now present:

The ten benchmarks of breasts you can trust...

                


 
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