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198 Million Muslims Can't Be Wrong

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by Jason Roth

"If you quit drugs, you join the fight against terror in America."
- President George W. Bush

Shit. As I sit here smoking my unfiltered clove cigarette, I wonder if those Anti-Drug assholes are actually right. These Djarums are imported from Indonesia, the country which has the largest Muslim population in the world. 198 million to be exact.

Did some al Qaeda member wrap these? I don't know. Do I like smoking them? Yes. Am I going to stop smoking them? No. I'll tell you what, Mr. President. I'll feel guilty about smoking these (legal) drugs once you declare a war on Militant Islam. Or how about just declaring any war?

As long as it looks like we're going down, I say "Smoke 'em if you got 'em."

Think I'm in a particularly cynical mood? Think again. I'm actually feeling quite positive today. That's why I just took down both American flags that were hanging in my apartment. Including the one hanging proudly on my window. If I'm still feeling this good tomorrow at work, I'll remove the huge flag covering my office wall. When people ask me why, I'll tell them: for the same reason I'm no longer talking about Lewis v. Tyson. Because the fight's over. Sure, it was fun routing for the good guy. When it's fighting season again, Mr. President, let me know. I'll be happy to don the appropriate jersey.

And no, I'm not just a fair-weather fan of America. But I'm also not the Bush Administration's patriotic bitch. To yelp and roll over whenever some Republican says "Let's roll", then keep on yelping until my NYC office building comes crashing down on top of me. Iced coffee and all.

As far as I'm concerned, I'm living in Purgatory. A half-assed, neither-here-nor-there, wishy-washy state of existence in which politicians talk about "doing something", apologize for doing things they're not doing, and flapping around uncontrollably like the fluke I caught on July 4th. You know, Independence Day? The day we all wondered whether anything would be left for us to celebrate when we got back from the picnic?

I'll defend this country. I'll fight. I never punched anyone in my life without holding back while I did it. But I'll fire a gun and I will kill people. I'll do it if and when our leaders face reality.

Our government is debating "Corporate responsibility"?

Are they fucking kidding me? We're in a fucking war. What the hell is our government doing?

1. Who gives a shit how many people get screwed by Enron this year when they could be exterminated from the planet next year?

2. How strong an act of self deception is required to pretend that we have the luxury of time to talk about "corporate responsibility" and "capitalism with conscience" while multiple terrorist groups are plotting to destroy us?

But wait, there's more. The idiots that brought you Smokey Bear and The Crash Test Dummies are now reminding us that people with brown skin are equally capable of saying "I am an American" as John Q. Albino. And that we can go screw ourselves if we look twice at the guy in the turban who sits behind us on the airplane and has a particularly strong fondness for his Nikes.

I want someone to turn one of these "I am an American" commercials into an interactive video game. I don't even play video games. But I'll invest in the game system that lets me shoot every one of these Iranian and Indian motherfuckers who tell me that they're "Americans" with an air of moral self-righteousness that smells worse than the 2-month old squid-laced kimchi sitting in my refrigerator. Is there anything worse than liberals saying "fuck you" - preemptively? Bush should drop those Ad Council America-haters on Afghanistan. I know, the war there is over. But fuck 'em, let's drop 'em there anyway.

Did I say I was feeling good? Yes. And this is the sewage that spews from my mind when I actually take ten minutes to think about the state of the world. Because at this minute, the priorities of this country include:

• the meanness of CEOs

• the hypothetical prejudices of American citizens who watched businessmen and women jump out of skyscraper windows

• whether it's 100% safe for airplane pilots to shoot at terrorists before they slit their throats and fly their planes into buildings

And yeah, we're going to invade Iraq...

That's Iraq. A nice, safe, secularly-ruled dictatorship that won't offend Muslims quite as much as if we invaded, say, Iran. Sure, Iraq has to go. And yes, the whole world will be pissed (and already is thanks to the New York Times) when we finally bomb them back to the stone age again. But is a war on Iraq really consistent with the war on Militant Islam we are (or should be) fighting? I have no idea. One less terrorist dictator is fine in my book. But does our government even have any type of consistent, rational plan? Again. I have no idea.

I was optimistic. Back in October and November, I gave the Bush administration some slack. To friends I said, "Maybe the only way to actually get anything done in this politicized, touchy-feely climate is to spout politically-correct nonsense while you get ready to push the red button." Now it's July. They've used up their slack.

People continue to carry guns into airports. If they're lucky, they also get to shoot people. We've heard reports that al Qaeda plans to add subways, small planes, and scuba divers to their arsenal of fun and amusing ways to kill Americans. We've read that members of al Qaeda have smuggled themselves into this country and who knows how many shoulder-fired anti-aircraft missiles.

But don't have a cow about the missiles, man. The FBI says there's nothing to worry about:

"We don't have information that al Qaeda is planning to use these against commercial aircraft in the United States," an FBI official said.

Would somebody tell these assholes that if al Qaeda wanted to sell missiles on eBay, they could do that without leaving home sweet home base in Pakistan?

Attention FBI officials: If you have information that al Qaeda has the missiles, wouldn't it be a somewhat conservative bet to assume they might actually use them? What color alert do you need to understand this? Blue? Purple? Someone ask Tom Ridge which color means "Open your fucking eyes, asshole."

Who would have thought that a country as strong as the United States could potentially be brought down by a few primitive Allah-worshipping life-haters with cell phones and e-mail accounts. On second though, they thought it could be done. I guess 198 million Muslims can't be wrong.

Now I'm being cynical. Thanks a lot, Mr. President.

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