The history of commentatin' just took a turn toward Truth, may the Spirits of All Dead Columnists and All Columnists Who Damn sure Ought to be Dead bear witness, cause Hezekiah Tee Smith-Jones III is on the Scene, Loosed upon the Earth to Tell it like it Is an How it Should Be, an let the Man what Denies it be Plagued with Piles.
How do, yall. My name's Hezekiah, an I'm the new kolumnist at this here Savethehumans magazine. Yessirree, those boys what run this zine is courageous on account of they figgered they bess be seekin' out the opinions of the Southern half of the Amber Waves of Subsidized Grain if'n they wont to be respektable.
So here I be, fresh out of 5 years of hard study for my GED. I'll be ponderin on most of the issues of life an sendin ya'll regular peerls of wizdom from my ruminations.
It ain't every man what possess profound ensite an fierce powers of deductive reasonin', so I aim to apply my gifts an help ya'll out some by pavin' the way through this minefield we call "life" so's you can git through it without getting your shit blowed away by some paroled lunatic what gave every fuckin warnin' possible that he was fixin' to scare the shit out of your local police department an have them crouched behind their Crown Vic's fer six gaddamn hours yellin' 'stay down,' but what was ignored until he showed up to your kid's Bar Mitzfer or Confermation with the Uzi he usually hunts
squirrels with and empties a few clips into your guests.
So ya'll can jist fire your shrink an throw away your Prozac cause Hezekiah is on the scene.
Now I reckon ya'll wanna know somethin' about me even if it ain't none of ya gaddamn bidness, although I don't know why cause I ain't never wonted to know shit about most anybody and damn sure not about no columnists what live in the Big House an pontificate about life in the inner city, but I'll say a word 'er too an be done with it.
