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Tom Cruise Jumps the Couch, uh, Shark

 I was reading an article about the disappointing opening (to investors) of the new Tom Cruise movie, Knight and Day. The author postulates, rather seriously, that Cruise’s fail-safe ability to create a blockbuster began to evaporate after his infamous couch-jumping incident on the Oprah Winfrey show. I’d like to point out something about this couch-jumping episode once and for all that really ought to be acknowledged.

As ridiculous as Tom Cruise was, there is something far more ridiculous on view. In fact, watching the video now, I actually don’t think he was nearly as ridiculous as people thought at the time. A Tom Cruise doesn’t go on Oprah Winfrey in order to discuss the nuances of acting or the premises that led him to believe in the tenets of Scientology. He goes there to provide a full-clothed excuse for housewives everywhere to put the baby back in the crib, get comfortable in front of the TV, and enjoy a little me time. Cruise on Oprah is daytime pornography that’s Downy-soft.

Which brings me to the truly ridiculous aspect of the Tom Cruise appearance. For the same reason a heterosexual male does not want to be in a crowd of women when a male stripper is present (and I’m including heterosexual male strippers), one does not want to be anywhere near a crowd of women when a fully-clothed Tom Cruise is making an appearance. Look at the fucking video of Cruise on Oprah and take note, not of Cruise’s overacting, but of the audience’s authentic reaction. All anyone remembers about that episode was that Tom Cruise jumped on a couch. In the meantime, a whole room full of women experienced the world’s longest simultaneous orgasm. After watching, and listening to, that video, who’s really the fucking wacko?

If Tom Cruise jumped the shark, it’s not because he made an audience of Oprah Winfrey fans so uncomfortably wet that they had to stand up. If Tom Cruise jumped the shark, it’s when he decided to costar in a movie with Cameron Diaz. Not to get too over-the-top in my support for Tom Cruise here, but this is a little like lobster costarring on a plate with a bag of Fritos. He should never have downgraded his brand image like that. The only time Fritos are good are by themselves, and when you serve them next to lobster, you not only insult the lobster, but you make a joke of the Fritos. And no one really has a problem with Fritos. The average man would have no problem eating Fritos. (If I’m confusing you, Diaz is the Fritos.)

I once had a bag of Fritos served to me in a restaurant with cheese, beef brisket chili, and other nacho toppings on top, and the best part was that they were served in the actual bag, ripped down the center. If you want to dress up Fritos, this is how you do it. Lobster, on the other hand, works best on its own. Maybe with a potato and a little butter.

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6 comments

1 Geoff { 06.25.10 at 4:11 pm }

This was hilarious, but I have to point out that Lobster co-starred with Fritos in “Vanilla Sky” about four years before his appearance on Oprah.

Two more things: Holy damn, the audience in the Oprah video is genuinely terrifying. And, now I really want a restaurant-quality Frito pie served to me in a split-open bag. The menu for this Cowgirl place looks pretty good.

2 Geoff { 06.25.10 at 4:21 pm }

(Actually, the fact that Cruise and Diaz were in “Vanilla Sky” four years prior his Oprah appearance doesn’t preclude your hypothesis of when he jumped the shark… Just pretend I said “Mmm, Fritos” instead.)

3 Jason Roth { 06.26.10 at 8:15 am }

Oh, man, your bringing up Vanilla Sky is making me rethink my whole premise. I remember liking that movie.

By the way, Cowgirl Hall of Fame is sort of like what a chain restaurant should be. Another thing they have which stands out in my mind is the whole roasted garlic with cheese as an appetizer. (It’s in Manhattan, so there will be plenty of other smells to overpower you.)

4 Geoff { 06.28.10 at 1:26 pm }

It’s now on my phone’s list of places to check out next time my girlfriend says, “Hey, we should go into the city and find an interesting place to eat.” Or the next time I say that to her.

And yeah, it’s been a while since I’ve seen it, but “Vanilla Sky” was pretty decent.

5 Jason Roth { 06.28.10 at 1:35 pm }

Additional info on The Cowgirl Hall of Fame: very casual, southern-ish food, and for some reason, lots of lesbians.

6 Geoff { 06.28.10 at 5:00 pm }

I guess I’m as unsurprised to learn that lesbians flock to a place called “The Cowgirl Hall of Fame” as I would be to learn that gay men flock to a place called “The Cowboy Hall of Fame,” but I’m not entirely sure why this is. It’s not like it’s called “The Gay Cowgirl” or “Lezzies With Lassos” or anything that specific. I do look forward to getting some southern-fried grub there one day in the not-too-distant future.

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