The number of words in Barack Obama’s presidential inauguration address was 2,412. Here it is in 666.

The following list contains the common-language translation of the twenty-five distinct ideas found in Barack Obama’s historic inauguration speech. The series of numbers and letters following each statement refer to the Key, given below the list. (These codes may become clearer to the reader upon reviewing Mr. Obama’s ideas as originally spoken. The original text of the speech, with corresponding numbers, appears following the Key.)

And now…

Barack Obama’s 25 Ideas:

1. We’re at war with somebody. Not sure who the bad guys are, but they sure seem like mean motherfuckers. (1a, 2c, 3b)
2. Our economy sucks and somebody’s to blame for this. (1a, 2a, 3b, 4a)
3. Your doctor has no right to negotiate voluntary contracts for payment with you, and you’re too stupid to conduct the negotiation. (1b, 3a, 3b, 4a)
4. School sucks. (1a, 3a, 4a)
5. With every ten ExxonMobil purchases, you get one free airplane/skyscraper attack. (But don’t think you can solve the problem by buying American gas. Mother Nature hates you as much as Saudi Arabia does, so any which way, you’re fucked.) (1b, 3a, 4a)
6. You people are a bunch of sad saps. (1b, 3a, 4a)
7. Remember that story about how your grandma gave head to sailors so she could afford your mother’s diapers? She was sucking cock for the good of society. (1a, 2c, 3a, 4a)
8. You know all these banks that keep going out of business? Let’s take out a loan and build some roads. That’ll save the banks. (1a, 2b, 3b, 4b)
9. By the power of Grayskull, I hereby restore the magic of science to its rightful place on the throne of Eternia and henceforth radiate the wondrous rays of techno-happiness out of my beautiful, majestic butthole. (1b, 3a, 4a)
10. You know all that shit Einstein never figured out? Ted Kennedy can do it. Even a dead Ted Kennedy. (4b)
11. Those overpaid public school teachers who can’t teach your kids how to speak English and pass them anyway urgently need more bandwidth. I hear there’s a good Chinese math course available free online. (4b, 2c)
12. Don’t you just hate those whiny naysayers who always bitch and moan about the glories of tyranny? (1b, 3b, 4a)
13. The question is not whether our actions are morally justified, or how the fuck we’re going to pay for all this. The question is: “How much free shit can I get?” (1b, 2b, 3a, 4b)
14. It would be irresponsible of me as a parent to give you kids an allowance without setting a few rules. (1b, 3b, 4a)
15. And you thought Jimmy Carter was a pussy? You ain’t seen nothin’ yet. (1a, 2b, 3a, 4c)
16. It’s time for me to fulfill my promise to surrender, and I fully intend to appear like I’m doing that. (1b, 2c, 3a, 3b, 4c)
17. The world’s not going to implode from industrial degeneration and foreign policy suicide by itself. That’s why we must work with strategic partners from around the world. Or, as I like to call them, “frenemies”. (1b, 3b, 4c)
18. With any luck, our Muslims will serve as human shields. Hey, it used to work for Hamas. (1a, 1b, 2c, 3a)
19. Just a reminder, Whitey: they all still think of you as racists. Oops, uh, I mean: All the magnificent colors of the rainbow will live in perfect harmony, forever and ever, Amen. Heh, heh. That’s right, no one walks a fence like me. I’m the Jedi of fence walking. I’m the motherfucking Luke Fencewalker of fence walking. (1a, 2c, 3a)
20. Attention all Islamists who are currently planning terrorist attacks on the United States: support your local figurehead politician. We’re much less likely to nuke a Pakistan over an Iran. And, shit, once we trade all our arms for peace, we won’t have any left to nuke Iran with, anyway. (3a, 3b, 4c)
21. You know all that stuff Bush always talked about? Responsibility to the world’s poor, yada, yada, yada? Yeah, what he said. (2c, 3a, 4b)
22. Look, everyone knows how much money the Western world has funneled into the toilet of third-world dictatorships in the pretense of helping the poor. I’m just saying we’re going to keep doing that, but call it something new. Personally, I like “The Obama Transforming Debt into Wealth Program”. It’s amazing what you can learn from infomercials. (1b, 2c, 3a, 3b, 4a)
23. Ask not what your country can do for you, but what blind obedience you can show to achieve God’s unknowable will. See that? And you thought Communists and Christians couldn’t come together. (1b, 2b, 3a, 3b, 4a)
24. Did I mention that I was the symbol of the American dream incarnate? (1a, 2a, 3a, 3b)
25. Let me close by desecrating the corpse of George Washington. Does anyone have a shovel and a condom? (2c, 3b, 5)

Key:

1a. Meaning: Statement of obvious fact
1b. Meaning: Statement of falsehood disguised as obvious fact

2a. Explanation: True but obvious
2b. Explanation: Wrong
2c. Explanation: Open to multiple interpretations

3a. Persona Design Goal: To appear wise and compassionate
3b. Persona Design Goal: To appear wise and strong

4a. Implication for Policy: To insinuate the justification for playing God
4b. Implication for Policy: To declare the intention to play God
4c. Implication for Policy: To declare the intention to commit suicide

5. Miscellaneous: Great quote from George Washington that has nothing to do with Barack Obama except the word “hope”.

After walking the proverbial bullshit detector through row after row across Obama’s endless pasture of manure, I have to admit discovering what may be the one item of value in Obama’s inauguration speech. As included in #18, below: “We are a nation of Christians and Muslims, Jews and Hindus–and non-believers.” (Italics mine.) This is a rare case of a president actually acknowledging the existence of atheists as citizens. So, to be fair to Obama, only 2,410 of his 2,412 words were complete bullshit. Not to jump the gun, but perhaps the Democratic candidate will be better than the Republican by .083%.

The above list has been translated from the original 25 ideas, below. (The complete text of the inauguration speech, including filler, can be found here.) 

1. Our nation is at war, against a far-reaching network of violence and hatred.
2. Our economy is badly weakened, a consequence of greed and irresponsibility on the part of some
3. Our health care is too costly
4. our schools fail too many
5. the ways we use energy strengthen our adversaries and threaten our planet
6. a sapping of confidence across our land–a nagging fear that America’s decline is inevitable
7. Time and again these men and women struggled and sacrificed and worked till their hands were raw so that we might live a better life. They saw America as bigger than the sum of our individual ambitions; greater than all the differences of birth or wealth or faction.
8. The state of our economy calls for action, bold and swift, and we will act–not only to create new jobs, but to lay a new foundation for growth. We will build the roads and bridges, the electric grids and digital lines that feed our commerce and bind us together.
9. We will restore science to its rightful place, and wield technology’s wonders to raise health care’s quality and lower its cost.
10. We will harness the sun and the winds and the soil to fuel our cars and run our factories.
11. And we will transform our schools and colleges and universities to meet the demands of a new age.
12. Now, there are some who question the scale of our ambitions–who suggest that our system cannot tolerate too many big plans.
13. The question we ask today is not whether our government is too big or too small, but whether it works–whether it helps families find jobs at a decent wage, care they can afford, a retirement that is dignified. Where the answer is yes, we intend to move forward. Where the answer is no, programs will end.
14. this crisis has reminded us that without a watchful eye, the market can spin out of control
15. Recall that earlier generations faced down fascism and communism not just with missiles and tanks, but with the sturdy alliances and enduring convictions. They understood that our power alone cannot protect us, nor does it entitle us to do as we please. Instead, they knew that our power grows through its prudent use; our security emanates from the justness of our cause, the force of our example, the tempering qualities of humility and restraint.
16. We will begin to responsibly leave Iraq to its people, and forge a hard-earned peace in Afghanistan.
17. With old friends and former foes, we will work tirelessly to lessen the nuclear threat, and roll back the specter of a warming planet.
18. our patchwork heritage is a strength, not a weakness. We are a nation of Christians and Muslims, Jews and Hindus–and non-believers.
19. because we have tasted the bitter swill of civil war and segregation, and emerged from that dark chapter stronger and more united, we cannot help but believe that the old hatreds shall someday pass; that the lines of tribe shall soon dissolve
20. To the Muslim world, we seek a new way forward, based on mutual interest and mutual respect. To those leaders around the globe who seek to sow conflict, or blame their society’s ills on the West–know that your people will judge you on what you can build, not what you destroy.
21. To the people of poor nations, we pledge to work alongside you to make your farms flourish and let clean waters flow; to nourish starved bodies and feed hungry minds.
22. And to those nations like ours that enjoy relative plenty, we say we can no longer afford indifference to the suffering outside our borders; nor can we consume the world’s resources without regard to effect.
23. What is required of us now is a new era of responsibility–a recognition, on the part of every American, that we have duties to ourselves, our nation, and the world, duties that we do not grudgingly accept but rather seize gladly, firm in the knowledge that there is nothing so satisfying to the spirit, so defining of our character, than giving our all to a difficult task. This is the price and the promise of citizenship. This is the source of our confidence–the knowledge that God calls on us to shape an uncertain destiny.
24. a man whose father less than sixty years ago might not have been served at a local restaurant can now stand before you to take a most sacred oath.
25. At a moment when the outcome of our revolution was most in doubt, the father of our nation ordered these words be read to the people: “Let it be told to the future world … that in the depth of winter, when nothing but hope and virtue could survive … that the city and the country, alarmed at one common danger, came forth to meet [it].”