As the economy shows signs of improvement (this week; who knows about next), one senator has already taken my suggestion to “save the newspapers”. Actually, Senator Cardin, I meant that as an ominous threat, I wasn’t actually trying to give you ideas.

When the federal government offers to help, be very afraid.

The current bill, straight out of Atlas Shrugged, is titled the “Newspaper Revitalization Act”. It would allow newspapers to function as non-profit corporations and would include the usual non-profit regulation against political endorsements (e.g., endorsing a political candidate in an election).

The result of this act would be to transform media corporations from entities operating under freedom of speech to those that do not. Rather than let these traditional media corporations lose out to newer, profit-making media corporations that produce information customers actually want, this act would promise to prop up these now government-sanctioned organizations which produce information government wants customers to have. The independent media would compete with the government supported (via tax breaks) media. Depending on the size of the advantage, or what additional rules are created that further support the non-free media, independent media corporations may or may not succeed in this competition. Think of how well all those independent, letter-carrying companies are competing against the US Postal Service. (Hint: they’re not.) Or, if you think this is an unfair comparison because express shippers like FedEx exist, then think of how monumental an achievement it was for FedEx to exist in the first place. Do you think every up-and-coming PodunkNews.com will similarly be able to compete against a federally supported, 150-year-old Podunk Today?

It cannot be overlooked that the door will be opened to other content standards for these “non-profit media”, just as such standards exist for schools. It’s the same nonsense as with Wall Street bail-outs: accept government money and be prepared to be regulated like you’ve never been before. This is tax-payer money, you greedy pig, you don’t actually think you can do whatever you want with it?

As a side note, I have thought a little about the nature of the local newspaper business. Their failure is about more than people getting their news from the Internet. (And, granted, I have no disagreement that the Smithtown Gazette is significantly inferior to the Jerusalem Post at reporting the news and weather of the Gaza Strip.) But if this were the only factor, they would all simply go online and/or switch entirely to local news, some of which are obviously attempting to do this. But the reason not all local newspapers will make that switch is because local news has become less important. When you’re instantly aware of what’s happening in the Middle East, Europe, and elsewhere, as well as the potential consequences it has on your life, you start to care a bit less about whether the drunk, one-eyed homeless man is, in fact, boffing Farmer Bob’s daughter with the friendlier end of a pitchfork, and whether Dick McNuggets was ever able to fight his jaywalking ticket with the semi-plausible “I’m in a wheelchair, asshole” defense.

The moral: Let them fail.

And, please, let us not discuss the distinction between a senator’s hypothetical good intentions versus his potential, pathological power-lust. When you push me over a cliff, I don’t laboriously ponder whether you hallucinated the image of a rainbow pillow-slide waiting to transport my ass down to a bed of naked, leprechaun strippers. I say: “Thanks a lot, asshole” and look for the nearest branch. And if I grab one, I do my best to chop it off afterwards and gently lay it to rest somewhere roughly between your ears.

This all looks very bad. I’m not quite sure what to do about it, but I’m going to keep telling you how bad it is.