Hey, Obama. Just thinking about my morning commute.

Would you consider “still might be blown to smithereens while commuting to work” a pre-existing condition? Any thoughts on whether you think Americans deserve coverage? Does “universal” coverage cover my nose and mouth when I inhale poison gas? How about limb reattachment? Or is national defense not a right?

While you’re busy finding ways to enslave us to each other, I was just wondering if you might work in a few minutes to figure out whether your budget has enough of our money to pay for the Band-Aids. I’d appreciate a clarification.