I just learned that the female G-spot is named after Ernst Gräfenberg, the “discoverer” of the G-spot. I think this is a bit unfair. Unfair to women, that is. They have to walk around with these things (the ones who have them) and remember that they possess a permanently intimate connection with a guy named Ernst Gräfenberg. I think it would be equally unfair if I had to call my taint the D-spot, after Erma von Dipshitz.

I’m the one who has it, all Dipshitz did was plant the proverbial flag. And, besides, since I’ve always had a problem alphabetizing names like von Dipshitz, I would never remember whether to call it the D-spot or the V-spot. But this whole problem raises a more important issue.

The naming of stuff after the person who discovered it isn’t always the act of graciousness and appreciation the discoverer’s admirers think it is. Granted, there are worse ways someone could memorialize you than by inserting you into the vaginas of the world. And even though Neil Armstrong didn’t technically discover the moon, I don’t think he’d have a shit-fit if he heard someone refer to it as Planet Armstrong.

But I’m thinking of things like diseases. Take James Paget, for instance. Is there a particular reason why this scientist would want to be known forever as the dude who discoved nipple cancer? At least make the cancer sound cool. Let the chick refer to it as her P-spot. It’ll make her feel better, too. She could use it in her spare time, when she’s not thinking about having cancer.

“Hey, honey, why don’t you fondle my P-spot?”

“Your P-spot? Where’s that?”

“Right here, where the cancer is.”

Well, not really as sexy as the G-spot. But that’s sort of my point.

If I should discover a new venereal disease, for example, I sure as hell wouldn’t want to walk past a public bathroom and hear the words, “Oh, fuck! I’ve got Rothworm!” Build a bridge for me or something.

(Incidentally, during the writing of this insightful article, I took the time to update the definition of “taint” on Wikipedia. Why won’t they accept my essential correction? They have a photo of a guy’s nuts in the “perineum” entry, for Christ’s sake.)