Let’s move beyond the obvious historical aspect of the inauguration of Barack Obama to the office of President of the United States. (That his inauguration will rob thousands of decent men from becoming the first black president.) Let’s get to the important stuff. Like whether the event is “an” historic event or “a” historic event. (I’m going to assume you understand why it’s not a/an “historical” event.)

Much like a politician’s choice of which Article of the Constitution to use when rationalizing his or her position, I subscribe to the notion that one’s selection of grammatical article should also be based on ease of pronunciation. Some will tell you that the use of “an” before “historical” is a relic of when the H in “historical” was silent. Whereas the latter fact is apparently true, it is nevertheless only part of the story. “Historical” contains a deemphasized H (as opposed to “hippy”, for example), and although not completely silent (as in “honor”), it is still a mild enough sound to warrant the aid of the consonant N to bridge the pronunciation between the two words. It is for this reason that I advocate “an” over “a” whenever jumping onto the Obama crazy train.

Now that I’ve grabbed your attention using the classic grammatical bait-and-switch scheme, let’s move on.

Barack Obama will be sworn in today over the same Bible Abraham Lincoln used in his first inauguration. Maybe this means we can plan on seeing FDR’s Bible being whipped out for Obama’s fourth term as president. On the other hand, maybe we won’t use Bibles then.

(I’m ok with that, Mr. President, as long as you don’t switch to Korans. Incidentally, I’m addressing you now as “Mr. President” rather than “Mr. President-Elect” because I’m assuming you’ll be tied up watching the various court jesters who’ve begged to entertain at your inaugural court today. Therefore, I expect you’ll be getting back to your daily blog reading once you’ve become president.)

On the subject of historical wonderings, I also wonder when we can expect to see the lap of the Lincolnesque Obama statue being poetically shat on by Beltway pigeons. Attention official presidential sculptor: keep the same seated pose and give him a beard like Lincoln, but add a jolly, red suit. That way, American tourists can sit in his big, old lap by the dozens and whisper into his ear what they hope will change. Without doubt, the Obama Santa Claus will redefine the male physique. Oh, and let’s call him St. Barack for short.

It’s a shame I have to bring down this party when everyone’s having such a good time trying to eliminate them. The parties of our multi-party political system, that is. Obama intends, after all, to be the unifying president. Who am I to stand in the way of the one-party party? I guess I’m the guy who looks around, sees all the cups filled with cigarette butts, the puke in the sink, and something that really shouldn’t be floating in the pickle jar, and says: either the party’s over, or you guys clean up this shit yourselves.

In these ‘istoric times, it takes an ass’ole to bring us together.