Let’s see. The lone bomber tried to take down Northwest Airlines Flight 253 at approximately 11:10 AM EST. That would make it 6:10 AM HST (Hawaiian Standard Time). Given that Obama’s daughters are aged 11 and 8, I’m going to go out on a limb and assume they were already yapping about opening up their presents. (If Obama were your father, you’d be yapping, too.) Whatever Barbie car Sasha got this year, I can tell you it sure as fuck wasn’t an American car. A remote-controlled Bentley is what I’m thinking, and not some $78.99 model, either.

What I’m wondering is: will a video ever surface of Obama donning a bathrobe, the moment his Blackberry rings and he’s told of the bombing attempt? I’d pay more for that than a goddamn sex tape of Angelina Jolie and Megan Fox double-teaming me. Well… I’d pay something for it. I’d give up Champagne on New Year’s Eve, at least (presuming the rest of the bar is fully stocked).

Put Obama’s facial expression at that fateful moment side by side with Michael Moore’s scavenged shot of G.W. Bush reading to the school kids. (It ain’t difficult picturing Michael Moore digging through dumpsters, is it?) On the left, we see our previous leader shitting in his pants. At least, that’s what the left would like us to think, since clearly every Democratic president would have dropped the book and made a bee-line to Air Force One. On the right, we see a semi-tanned George Washington crossing the Delaware, slightly startled, but pensive and controlled, with all neurons firing and a mind quickly identifying the next logical step…

“Do we have time for breakfast?” the wise man wonders. “Or will a second parasuicidal bomber ruin lunch if I don’t do something?”

The man, the myth, the legend probably then finished his blueberry and macadamia muffin and carefully texted Jon Favreau (the speechwriter, not the director of Elf) and gave him the grueling deadline of 72 hours to whip up something he could regurgitate after his weekend golf game.

“Don’t worry,” he consoles the anxious scribe. “You’ll have time for last-minute corrections. Like, say, if one of my fuckheads should happen to say this is not a ’systemic failure’. Just for instance.”

“A passenger allegedly tried to ignite an explosive device on his body,” the president told us. (I always forget whether I should capitalize the word “president”, but we’re only talking about Obama, so fuck it.) In Jon Favreau’s words, the (P)resident continues, “Thanks to the quick and heroic actions of passengers and crew, the suspect was immediately subdued…”

Oh, come now, Mr. Logic, Mr. Reason. When an alleged terrorist allegedly tries to blow the alleged fuck out of an alleged airplane, there’s only one alleged person who can allegedly save the day. An alleged hero, of course!

I have a big book from college around here somewhere that lists all the logical fallacies, but I’ll be damned if I search for it just to name which amalgamation of horseshit this man has birthed unto this universe. The villain is “alleged”, but the heroic actions of passengers and crew are pure and true. I’m sorry, Mr. president, you just can’t have your fucking bullshit and eat it, too. If the press core analyzing your every action weren’t so fucking delusional, someone within earshot might occasionally call you on it.

There’s endless enjoyment to be found in the president’s speech. To be fair, it could be any president saying this:

“Had the suspect succeeded in bringing down that plane, it could have killed nearly 300 passengers and crew, innocent civilians preparing to celebrate the holidays with their families and friends.”

Think about the mentality of the people Mr. president thinks he’s addressing. (Whether he’s right is a separate discussion.) It’s not enough that the lone bomber wanted to kill nearly 300 passengers and crew. But, holy fucking shit, the maniac wanted to kill innocent civilians preparing to celebrate miscellaneous unmentionable nondenominational holidays. It’s one thing to imagine a pair of intestines ejecting from any old Joe, but from God fearing peoples? What kind of Brady Bunch pussy is this president of ours? “Preparing to celebrate the holidays…” You fucking moron. It’s not enough that the people allegedly about to die are people. They need to be people who need people. The luckiest people in the world, as Barbara Streisand would say.

It kind of makes me wonder how Obama would have handled it if the plane Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab wanted to take down happened to be full of atheists. I’m thinking he might have ended the phrase with “innocent civilians”. Referring to religious guys killing a bunch of atheists isn’t typically the guarantor of righteous indignation amongst one’s populace here in the U.S. of A.

It is, in fact, Obama’s choice of the word “allegedly” that distinguishes his speech. Apparently, after three full days, this slimeball still didn’t know whether the guy with the third-degree burns did anything suspicious on an airplane. “Allegedly” is a legal word, pure and simple, and this is Obama defining a terrorist attack as a legal matter. We know how well this policy worked for Bill Clinton and 3,000 New Yorkers.

The other distinguishing element in the speech is his Iranian shoe-licking. Referring to more recent beatings and murders of protesting dissidents, he said:

“What’s taking place within Iran is not about the United States or any other country.”

If the country in question were some hole-in-the-wall African country, I might agree with this. (Of course, Obama wouldn’t say such a thing about a hole-in-the-wall African country.) But when we’re talking about a soon-to-be nuclear armed nation, it sure as fuck is relevant whether that nation’s leaders are beating its citizens. I’m not gonna play pinochle with parents who beat their children in front of me, regardless of how good their cocktail weenies are.

I won’t bash the president too much for his speech writer’s choice to add “Happy New Year” to the end of that speech, but Jesus Christ, have some fucking tact.

(For a top-notch analysis of the attack, see this article by Toby Harnden, in which he’s first to make the point about the legalistic nature of the Obama’s words: “a legalistic, downplaying approach that alarms rather than reassures.” The article is really a must-read. Just ignore the sentence about Bush succeeding.)