Sure, a good dog will go to Heaven. But what about a bad dog? And what about a good dog of a bad person?

I’m sure it’s counter to the conventional dog-loving wisdom, but I hold each and every dog partly responsible for the defilement of my neighborhood’s sidewalks. And I think that if you’re going to believe in a Heaven for pets, you’re going to have to accept the Hell option. A good tool in this case is the “three strikes and you’re out” rule. It’s simple enough to teach a dog (at least compared with ten commandments), so for dogs, the third misplaced shit means fire, brimstone, and never-ending misery. Whether “misery” means a scarce supply of bones or a torture rack, I can’t say, but the point is the dog won’t like it.

Heaven, clearly, is a concept distinct from Purgatory. I don’t hear anyone arguing, however, that “Pets are amoral, therefore they deserve neither punishment nor reward.” On the contrary. Anyone who says a hamster’s soul goes somewhere is saying it goes to Heaven. Since I’ve done the research into the rodent afterlife field, it’s best that you take my word on this. (Undoubtedly, there’s a few insensitive theologians who might tell you that pets have no soul at all, but we in the enlightened religious community can surely agree that these animal-hating monsters will die unloved by both God and beast.)

I have the sneaking suspicion that some of these pro-pet afterlife proponents are in favor of their position for somewhat questionable motives. Since I’ve never met a dog asking whether his boy will go to Heaven, I’m going to go out on a limb and say it’s these fucking children who won’t shut their traps about the issue. (By “children”, I’m including those extra-special grandmotherly types whose vision of an ideal afterlife includes sitting around their apartments watching The Price is Right with cute, little Snipples cuddling between their legs down under the bathrobe, with the once-deceased hubby napping quietly in the bedroom. Ah, Heavenly bliss.)

In other words, if pets go to Heaven, they’re going there as a perk to their owners. Somehow, pets have weasled their way into a cosmic loophole that lets them into the afterlife because the dumb bastards:

1. Failed to take a moral stand once in their lives.
2. Were fortunate slaves to beings who actually had to earn their way into Heaven.

Which leads to the next question. What happens to the pets of evil people? For example, if a guy slaughters his wife in her sleep and then blows his own brains out, what happens to the pit bull? Does the dog go to Hell, or does it get to be some good person’s pet in Heaven? Or does God just keep a giant dog park for disenfranchised pets? Is there, in fact, a pet Purgatory?

The reason I believe the answers  to these questions have not been answered is that the line of bullshit needed to sidestep a kid’s question in Sunday school isn’t very sophisticated. Someone ought to send a midget philosopher into Sunday school on an undercover mission to drive a teacher to clinical insanity. (Hmm, I wonder if the insane go to Heaven… I guess a priest would just tell you they’d be judged based on their actions before the insanity. Keep that in mind if you plan to go on a murderous rampage: insanity then murder.)

As Bart Simpson once asked the Sunday school teacher, on the subject of who gets into Heaven, “What about a robot with a human brain?” Classic.